


You and Me Against the World

by 5DJTwitch5



Category: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/M, Kinda Sorta Almost Rape, Language, OOC, Post Calamity Ganon, Stupidity, Talking Link, This Is STUPID, Violence, suicidal implications
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-03-09 15:52:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 30,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13484808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5DJTwitch5/pseuds/5DJTwitch5
Summary: Link decides to bring Mipha back to life with the Triforce. Things get out of hand... fast.





	1. These Dreams

This is a story of two young warriors, one a Hylian and the other a Zora. They had been inseparable friends since their childhood, but was there something...more to their friendship? Yes, yes there was. They never outwardly spoke of their feelings to each other, but they didn't need to, for their hearts spoke a _different_ language.

The world looked upon their connection with disgust; A Hylian and a Zora? Only a true degenerate would stand such a thought. The mockery, the hateful gestures... they only hardened this fire forged bond.

Though fate denied them their wish to be together, this did not stop the Hylian boy. What you are about to hear is a story that demonstrates the power of a love that even the gods would be powerless against, filled with laughter, tears, typical romantic misunderstandings and over reactions, and some not-so-kid-friendly content.

This is the story of Link and Mipha.

* * *

The sun was setting over Hyrule, petals danced in the gentle wind, there was no sound but waves of the lake, and all that other romantic opening kinda stuff. Link stared out at the scenery from a cliff side, lost in his memories.

It had been over a hundred years since Mipha was killed by the wicked hand of Ganon, and only about a month since Link woke from his coma and slew the self titled King of Evil. Though he agreed to help Zelda, the princess of Hyrule, rebuild the ruined kingdom, it didn't take long for Link to recede from the public eye and spend his days hiding in a cabin he had built. Mipha was the whole world to him, and without her, there was simply no point.

"There's simply no point..." Said Link as he took another sip of his drink.

As the sky turned dark and the howls of various monsters echoed in the distance, Link decided retire to his cabin for the night. It was a short walk, but he had a little trouble getting there you see, since he had already gone over the legal limit. So he hobbled about, left and right, forward and backward, face first on the ground and back to his feet, until he finally managed to reach the door.

What he forgot however, was his little home security system.

"AAAAAARGH!"

An activated tripwire set off a loaded crossbow that sent an arrow into his leg. Link fell to the floor where, despite the intense pain and an open door, he decided to go to sleep because screw it.

He then began to dream of what could have been...

_Wedding bells rang at the Royal Hall in the Zora's Domain. Many had gathered from all across Hyrule to witness the beginning of two new lives. Link, shaking in his boots, took Mipha by the hand and led her to the altar. He looked over at his bride... she was stunning. From the veil hiding her reddened face, to the shining jewels she wore. And the best part? she was still naked._

_After what seemed like eternity, the bride and groom were standing before Dorephan the Zora King._

_"Link..." Dorephan began._

_"Link..."_

_"Link..."_

_"Umm... yes?" Said Link, confused._

_"Link!"_

_" **Link!** "_

_"huh?"_

Link's eyes shot open to see Zelda shaking him in a panic.

"Link, are you okay?! You were attacked by a monster!"

Link then remembered the arrow he took to the thigh a few hours before and noticed he was bleeding pretty badly.

"Oh no, that was a booby trap, I forget about them all the time." Link laughed.

"Stay right there Link, don't move! I'm going to call for help."

"No. Just let me die..." Said Link.

Zelda pulled out a phone and dialed for assistance. As she waited for someone to pick up, she frantically paced the room, unaware of the hidden danger right by her feet. Finally, someone answered.

"Hello?" she said into the phone "I need medical assistance right away! My friend has been shot through the leg-"

**BOOM!**

Another tripwire that Zelda activated set off a canon that blew her into the sky.

" **CURSE YOU BOOBY TRAPPED HOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooose...** "

As Zelda vanished from sight, a small ding shone from where she disappeared.

* * *

The next day, Link and Zelda were in the hospital. While Link merely suffered some blood loss, Zelda was mummified in bandages and braces.

"I remember when Mipha took care of these things..." Said Link wistfully.

Mipha had an extraordinary ability to heal any wound her allies suffered in battle, Link was her most regular patient since he ran into a lot of accidents outside of the battlefield. Link remembered all the times he had put himself in harm's way simply to experience her magic touch. One time he got a little _too_ bold.

_"Link... y-y-you don't have to be naked for this..."_

_"I know."_

But then something else came to mind...

"By the way Zelda, what were you doing at my house?"

Due to massive head trauma, Zelda took a while to respond.

"Uhhh... Ah! It was because I discovered something very interesting. Link, have you ever heard of the **Triforce**?"

"Yeah, it grants a wish to anyone who touches it. Power, Courage, Wisdom, yada yada yada..."

"Good, then I don't need to explain." Said Zelda "Anyway... we found it! It's real! It was locked away in some chest under a destroyed temple."

"Does that mean...?"

"Yes Link, I think you deserve it after all you've done for us."

Link was overjoyed to hear this news. He knew right away what this meant; Mipha was going to be his at long last! All he had to do was wait until he and Zelda were out.

But first...

"Oh Nuuuuurse! It's time for my sponge bath!"

* * *

A few days later, Link was in his home staring at his phone, waiting to hear the news that Zelda is in a condition to be let out. Zelda had instructed the Sheikah who were guarding the Triforce to not let Link touch it until she was available to directly supervise him. Link couldn't argue with the fact that he would probably end up breaking it somehow...

Surely enough, the phone _did_ ring. Link picked it up in less than a second.

"It's me!"

...

"uh-huh"

...

"okay"

...

"Awesome! I'll be there tomorrow!"

Link hung up the phone and cheered with his fist in the air. Zelda was going home tomorrow, which means Triforce!

Link could not sleep that night.


	2. The Forgotten Mage

The day finally came! The day Link makes his wish and reunites with Mipha after all these years.

Link was on his way to Kakariko Village to meet with Impa, who was guarding the Triforce. He had a long and boring hike ahead of him, but he didn't mind since Zelda showed him how to pirate music on his Sheikah Slate. As he was listening his emo punk rock or whatever edgy teens listen to these days, he happened upon the old gazebo where he went out with Mipha to celebrate the new year together.

Like clockwork, the flashback started...

_"OOOOH I'm sooooooooo buzzed!" Link moaned._

_"Then you've had enough." Said Mipha as she took the bottle from Link._

_"Hey uhhh... *hic* you know Mipha... There's something I've been meaning to uh..."_

_With that Link threw himself on Mipha, starting a struggle between them._

_"Link please, I'm-I'm not ready for this..." Mipha begged._

_"Oh come on Mipha, you gotta-"_

_"Link GET OFF!"_

_Mipha punched Link right in the face, knocking him to the floor._

" **YOU ARE NOT READY...** "

Link snapped out of it when a loud voice rang in his head.

" **YOU ARE NOT READY!** "

Link ran as fast as he could from the area.

* * *

Later that day, Link finally arrived at Kakariko. On his way to see Impa and Zelda, he ran into Impa's granddaughter, Paya. She was standing in the doorway, so getting her to move required acknowledging her.

"Oh, hi Link! I didn't think you would visit today." She greeted.

"Uhh... yeah. I'm just here to see Impa." Link said, trying to get around her.

Paya wouldn't move though, she didn't seem intent on letting him pass.

"So..." Said Paya "Did I ever tel you about the birthmark I have on my-"

"Yup, you told me." Link interrupted.

"But did I-"

"Yes, and you showed it to me as well. I'm sorry, but can you move? I _reeeeeally_ need to see your grandma now."

With a huff, Paya finally stepped aside, allowing him to enter. Link groaned in relief; he never thought poorly of Paya, but she always seemed to pick a bad time to hold him up with awkward conversations.

When Link entered Impa's shrine thing, everyone important was already there waiting for him, Zelda was in a wheelchair. The Triforce levitated in the center of the room with Sheikah monks circling it.

"Link..." The lead monk began "We are eternally grateful for your service to the Kingdom of Hyrule. Time and again, you have selflessly defended others at your own risk, especially in your duty to protect our princess. And with that, we are honored to finally repay our debt."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMM

The monks recited a prayer and backed away as the Triforce descended to arm's length before Link. Link raised his hand and began to focus his mind and heart.

"Triforce of the Gods! Hear what I desire! Return my loved one to the world of the living. Give me Princess Mipha!"

Link then reached out for the Triforce, but then realized something happened when his eyes were closed.

Someone else was now in the room, not far in front of Link, touching the Triforce.

"The Triforce... granter of wishes to any who touch it..."

"Who are you?!" Impa demanded.

The man was clothed in purple and sported long white hair with piercing red eyes.

"I knew you fools would let your guard down..." he said "I am the one that your legends have forgotten. I am the one who plagued Hyrule before even _Ganon_ came to be. I am **Vaati.** "

With that, the Triforce shrank into Vaati's hand and disappeared.

"What are you doing? That was for me!" Link shouted.

"Sure it was..." Said Vaati "The Triforce is _mine_ now! And I will use it to do my bidding once I take full control of it!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Screamed Link as he charged for the evil sorcerer.

"Fool!"

With a swift backhanded slap, Vaati knocked Link back across the room and into a barrel of fish, spilling the contents all over the place and onto Impa who was allergic to fish.

"NOOOOO! I'M ALLERGIC TO FISH!"

"Try that again and next time you'll get my _ring hand_!" Said Vaati as he flashed a hand full of shiny rings.

Link then passed out, leaving it up to Zelda.

"You won't get away with this, demon!" She declared.

Roaring her battle cry, Zelda weakly turned the wheels of her chair, slowly inching towards Vaati.

"Hmph! _These_ are the heroes who destroyed Ganon? ... Actually..."

As Zelda finally reached Vaati, he stopped her easily. This surprised Zelda because she thought she was going faster than the speed of sound.

"Hmmm..." Said Vaati as her inspected Zelda "You are quite beautiful, just like your ancestor..."

"M-my ancestor?" Zelda gasped.

"Indeed. She and I were to wed, but these four fools ruined _everything_! No matter though, I think you will make a fine replacement."

Vaati released Zelda from his grip and opened a portal to escape.

"I'll see you soon... Zelda."

Vaati then vanished with the Triforce while the monks, too gobsmacked to know what to do, turned to Link who was still out cold among the mountain of dead fish.

"This is bad."

"I told you all this was a foolish idea from the beginning."

"What shall we do?"

With the panicked monks arguing about the situation, Impa swelling up from the fish, Link out of commission, and Zelda leaving to go get lunch, all seemed lost.

* * *

Meanwhile at Vaati's lair...

"CRAP! I forgot to kidnap Zelda! MINIONS!"

Two Moblins heard the call and entered the throne room.

"You call, boss?" They asked.

"It appears something slipped my mind; and that was taking Zelda. Inform the rest of Ganon's minions that they work for now and that their new job is to bring Zelda to me." Said Vaati while trying out his new throne.

"Can't you just go back for her? She can't even walk right now." One asked.

"Don't question me, Moblin!" Said Vaati "Do you have any idea what that would do to my cred? If I let them know I made such a mistake, I'll be a laughingstock. This is my best chance to top Ganon and prove to other villains I'm _not_ a loser! No go!"

The Moblins left, leaving Vaati alone.

"I hope you can see this, mom..." He said to a picture of his mother "You'll be sorry..."


	3. And the Adventure Continues!

_"Hey Mipha..."_

_"Oh... hello Link"_

_"Look..." Link began "I'm sorry about the other day. I... I just..."_

_"It's okay."_

_"No, I'm serious! You saw me drinking, you saw me get all wound up at the party, I just lost control. It was the alcohol, I would never try to do that to you!"_

_"I know, Link." Said Mipha "Just be more mindful of yourself next time, okay?"_

_"Huh... you know, after I had Zelda and Urbosa yelling up my ass about it all morning I thought you would be more... hurt."_

_"Oh is that why you're saying sorry?" Mipha giggled "Because you got in trouble?"_

_"N-no of course not! I always know when I did something wrong!"_

_Mipha then turned around and walked away, pretending to be offended._

_"Hey Wait!" Shouted Link as he followed her._

_Mipha stopped, allowing Link to catch up and turn her around._

_"Mipha listen to me... you know I meant no harm, right!? I'm sorry! I really am!"_

_Mipha laughed. "Oh, Link I just love seeing this side of you."_

_"What do you mean?" Link asked._

_"Admitting you're wrong, begging forgiveness, giving me those puppy dog eyes..."_

_"You sure like to tease, don't you?" Said Link. "So are we good or what?"_

_"Of course, now just stop worrying about it, okay?" Mipha said reassuringly._

_The two then broke the tension by watching the waterfall. The many Zoras in the area who were watching realized the conversation was over and walked away in disgust, many were disappointed that it didn't end with a break up._

_After a while, Link, never one to learn his lesson so soon, leaned in for Mipha's lips._

_"Not so fast, Romeo." Mipha said, pushing Link away with her finger._

_"Pff!" Link huffed as he walked off._

_"I know you have a lot of energy..." Said Mipha "And I wanted to keep this as a surprise, but there's something I have for you-"_

_Mipha looked over and realized Link was already gone._

* * *

" **YOU ARE NOT READY!** "

Link's eyes shot open when he heard the voice and woke up in a wet pile of splintering wood and fish. He noticed Paya staring at him a few inches from his face.

"Link! Are you okay?" She asked.

"Ehhh? Yeah... I'm fine." Link said as a puddle of blood grew underneath him. "Uhh, what happened?

"Vaati has taken the Triforce." Said the leak monk "The future of Hyrule is now in question."

Link looked around.

"Wait, where are Zelda and Impa?"

"Impa has been sent to the hospital, and Zelda should return any moment." The lead monk answered.

"We need to get it back- **AH!** "

Link tried to get on his feet, but immediately fell over when a sharp pain shot through his body.

"Link! Your... your..." Paya pointed out a piece of sharp broken wood that pierced into a certain area of Link's body.

"...ass!"

"Oooooowwww... Get it out! It hurts!" Link cried.

Paya grabbed the offending plank and tried to pull it out, but it wouldn't budge. Paya wondered if this job would be best for a professional, but she continued pulling anyway.

"Hold still!"

" **RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!** "

Just then, however, Zelda wheeled in while finishing a hotdog and saw what was going on.

"Uhhh... what?"

" **AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!** "

With one final pull, the piece of barrel was finally out, the nail leaving behind a massive gash on Link's right butt cheek.

"Yup... that's gonna need stitches." Said Paya.

* * *

Later that day, Link was in the hospital once again. All that hard work on his figure was laid to waste by torn muscle tissue and stitches on his right cheek. Of course he hadn't even _begun_ to torture himself over that matter since he had an even bigger worry; the fact that his only chance to bring back Mipha may have gone out the window _forever_.

" _What do I do?_ " He thought " _If that guy uses the Triforce, I probably won't get a turn with it._ "

As the nurse brought in some food, he realized he had to be out and on his feet again as soon as possible.

"Hey nurse, how long did the doctor say this would take?" He asked.

"For the 50th time," said the nurse "You're gonna be here at least until tomorrow."

"I don't _have_ until tomorrow! If I don't get out of here soon, there's no telling what this wizard guy will do and I'll lose the love of my life forever! I need blah blah blah blah blah blah"

"Oh shut uuuuuuuuup..." The nurse groaned as she left Link to his rambling.

Now alone, Link calmed down and began to make a plan to salvage his quest. First, he had to find out where this Vaati character went, then how to prepare for the inevitable battle, then what to do if the Triforce could only be used once in 1,000 years or something like that, and best of all; how's he going to accomplish this while dealing with wounds that will take eternity to heal?

"If only there was someone who could assist me in my adventure..." Link said to himself.

Hearing this, Zelda launched herself into the window from two stories below.

"Me! Me! Me!" She said, raising her hand.

"Someone who is capable in battle and not confined to a wheelchair..." Link continued.

Zelda then rose to her feet.

"Oh my mobility is fine, I was just too lazy to get up!"

"And finally... someone who _won't_ get kidnapped halfway through the adventure." Link finished, looking over at Zelda accusingly.

"Okay, now you're just being mean..." Zelda said with her head down.

* * *

The next day, as the morning was rising, Link and Zelda were out in the field on their horses trying to figure out where they're supposed to even go. The doctor specifically told Link **not** to go riding until he made a full recovery, but the situation at hand simply too important to waste time crying about pain or infections.

"So where should we go first?" Link asked Zelda.

"Well... the Gerudo seem to know a lot about Ganon's past, maybe they will have something on this Vaati guy as well? That would be my best guess." Said Zelda.

Wasting no further time, the two then set off for the desert in hopes of finding the clues they needed. They took off incredibly fast at first, but had to slow down when the pain of the rough riding was too much for Link.

"Umm... how long will it take to get to the desert at this pace?" Link asked.

"Probably until sunset." Zelda answered.

"Uuuurrrgh..."


	4. 4

It was about noon as Link and Zelda were making their way to the desert. They were not even close to their destination, as they were in the habit of making frequent stops for snacks. Making this long ride even worse was that Link was in no speaking mood since Zelda hogged up all the gummy worms.

"There should be a pass over there." Said Zelda.

"Hmph." Link grunted, making a point to remind her of his silent treatment.

"Oh come on! I told you I'll buy you some more." Zelda shouted in annoyance. "Well if you're not going to talk to me, can you at least hand me the Octorade?"

Link reached into the supply bag and pulled out a bottle of orange flavored Octorade, (clever name, eh?) but instead of passing it to Zelda as she requested, he opened the bottle and drank the whole thing.

"You asshole!" Zelda yelled "You know, father was right about you; you always have your head in the clouds, you never want to grow up, and you never _will_ if you can't even take **your own quest** seriously. I mean, we're out to resurrect a friend of ours, no doubt risking our lives, a sorcerer has made off with the Triforce, and here _you_ are getting pissy with me over **a bag of candy!** "

While Zelda was talking, Link decided to pass the time by daydreaming about Mipha.

* * *

_"Link..."_

_"Mipha..."_

_Link imagined himself and his lover on a cruise ship that, after colliding with an iceberg, was beginning to sink into the freezing ocean._

_"Link..."_

_"Mipha..."_

_As the ship split in half, it began to sink even faster. Within minutes, it was completely submerged, the pressure dragging many passengers down with it. Link, however was safe on a floating door, but no way to get Mipha on it with him, causing her to slowly freeze to death._

_"Link..."_

_"Mipha..."_

_Link wasn't very good at coming up with lines, but he was sure a scenario like this would win him awards if he could make a movie out of it. And now he was more determined than ever to find out how it ends!  
_

***WHACK!***

"Huh wha..?"

Link snapped out of his fantasy when his horse came to a sudden stop with it's face pressed against a tree.

"That's odd, horses don't normally walk into trees..." He pondered.

Looking around, Link was not familiar with his current location. Also unfamiliar was the silence that dominated the area, he had not experienced anything like this all day, which meant only one thing...

Zelda was gone.


	5. Moblin Needs a Vacation

_One day, the champions were at the castle after yet another battle against the Yiga clan. Revali, not one to keep secrets, let slip the details on Link's little sexual harassment incident to a few of his buddies. Since the Castle Town guards were always looking a good scandal involving the champions, word got around fast. Eventually, the news was spread around until it became the story of the week._

_That night, as dinner was being served in the hall, everyone in the room (including some of the champions themselves) was laughing and joking about the Misadventures of Mr. Fish Sticks. As all the quips were being passed around, Mipha could only hide under the table in embarrassment._

_At the door, Link was hesitant to show up, knowing full well what awaited him inside, mainly because he could already hear the remarks from the other side of an old wooden door. He normally would have stayed in the safety of his room, but there was a problem; they were serving popcorn shrimp that night, which they never make unless they want to lure him out into the open. He wanted to walk away, that was for sure, but there was a huge bowl of that stuff that had his name on it. This was a true inner conflict for him._

_"Popcorn shrimp... my only weakness..." Link muttered._

_Link reached for the door, ready to brave it like a man, but just then, always a quick thinker, Link formed a plan._

_"I'll get changed, go in through the **side** door nearest the serving table, grab a handful and get out of there fast! It should only take ten seconds."_

_Link bolted back to his room, got into a standard knight uniform from his training days._

_"They shouldn't recognize me in this..."_

_And with that, he made it to his planned entry point. Link then stood for a few moments of mental preparation._

_"Here we go... in and out. I'm ready. Am I ready? I'm ready, right?"_

**YOU ARE NOT READY**

* * *

Hearing that familiar voice once again, Link woke up in the field with a bloody nose and a missing horse. Turns out, he ran into a tree while in a panic.

"That's odd, I don't normally run into trees..." Said Link.

Looking around in attempt to remember where he is, he noticed it was dark out and his horse was missing.

" _Probably shouldn't have tried to go it on foot..._ "

He figured the best course of action was to pull out his Sheikah slate and try to contact Zelda. Going through his contacts (and deleting Ganon's number, figuring he doesn't need it anymore) he found Zelda on the list and called her.

The phone went straight to voicemail.

" _HAAAAY! You've reached like, Zelda's phone. Yeah, THE princess Zelda's phone, the real and genuine princess of Hyrule. No need to leave a message, if I don't call back in a few minutes, it's because you're not worth it. But if you sound cute, put down the phone and come on over *smooooch!*_ "

There were three things in Zelda's new voicemail message that Link couldn't help feeling weirded out by. First, she always tried to be the formal and proper type, it wasn't like her to speak like that at all, second, he could have sworn he heard an angry muffled voice in the background, third and most of all, she acted as if boys _ever_ called her.

Link decided not to waste time thinking about it; after all, if her phone was off, she could be in trouble.

"Urrgh! why did I bring her along?!" Link growled.

As he pressed on, he remembered that he has no idea where he was or where he was going. His only option was to head in the direction he came from and look for a familiar landmark, but even then, he still had to figure out where Zelda had gone.

" _Maybe there was a fork in the road further back and she took the wrong way?_ " Link thought " _Aaaaaaand she just forgot to charge her slate._ "

Link hoped this was the case. A dead Zelda wouldn't be very useful to him, what with her expertise in history and magic, which he would need against Vaati. Not to mention the lynch mob that would come after him if he was blamed for her death.

But then another thought came to mind...

Zelda was the closest thing to a friend he had left. After 100 years, she was the only thing that remained of his old life. She was the only one who understood what he went through and what he's going through now. Without her... he would be truly alone in a future world he's now forever trapped in.

Link ran faster.

* * *

Meanwhile in a dark cave, Zelda was locked in a typical wooden cage with one Moblin guarding her. She was bored because he took away her slate and she knew it would probably Link a few hours to notice she was missing, but a few hours had already passed, making this ordeal quite mind numbing.

"I'm hungry!" Zelda called.

"You're lucky Vaati wants you unharmed..." The Moblin grumbled.

"But it's dinner time! I haven't eaten anything all day!" Zelda whined.

As Zelda went on, the Moblin threw a blanket over her cage, hoping it would muffle her shrill complaining a little. To his surprise, it worked. She instantly went quiet and stopped moving. For several minutes.

"That's weird..."

The Moblin gently lifted the blanket, hoping she didn't die in there. He was truly creeped out to see that Zelda was sitting very still and staring out into space. The Moblin pushed the cage for a reaction, only to be exposed to something rather disturbing...

" **I'M SORRY MOMMY PLEASE LET ME OUT! I'M SORRY MOMMY PLEASE LET ME OUT! I'M SORRY MOMMY PLEASE LET ME OUT! I'M SORRY MOMMY PLEASE LET ME OUT! I'M SORRY MOMMY PLEASE LET ME OUT! I'M SORRY MOMMY PLEASE LET ME OUT!** " Zelda kept screaming as she thrashed uncontrollably.

The Moblin put the blanket back on, but Zelda didn't quiet down, this woke up all the other monsters in the area.

"Hey! Quiet down! You want food? I'll get you something, just calm down!" The Moblin begged.

The Moblin rushed outside to the monsters' campfire to find something edible for a human. He found the meat of some animal and assumed it was a cow of sorts, it looked clean enough too. He rushed back into the cave where the roaring Zelda and the complaining of the monsters was deafening and threw the meat into her cage.

"Dinner time, here you go!" Said the Moblin.

Zelda's episode ended when she saw the food, but instead of eating it, she ripped it to pieces and smeared the chunks all over her face while sobbing.

"I... I do not have the professional skills to handle this..." Said the Moblin.

As he put the blanket back on and walked away, he nearly walked into Vaati, who was standing near the entrance.

"I see you have captured Zelda... can I assume there were no problems?" Vaati asked.

"Yes sir! all went well!" The Moblin replied with a salute.

"Any sign of her friend?"

"No sir! He didn't even notice!"

"Then let's have a look." Said Vaati as moved to the cage. He began to feel uneasy when he listened closer to Zelda's crying. You see, Vaati held many captives over his long life, and he knew what the weeping of a prisoner sounded like, but this... this was different.

As he finally looked in, Vaati saw Zelda in the same scene where his Moblin minion last left her off; in a fetal position, bawling like a mourner, and slathering herself in what was intended to be her dinner.

"...what?" Said Vaati plainly, not knowing how to react.

"I don't know!" The Moblin exasperated "She just went crazy! Something about being hungry and mother issues and... anyway, you got her, I'm going to bed now."

The Moblin turned around to head for the makeshift barracks, but stopped when he heard Vaati chuckling.

"Finally... someone who would understand my pain!" Vaati declared.

"Ooooookay... overshare. Good night."


	6. What I Fight For

" **ZELDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!** "

Link dashed along the path as fast as his stitches would allow him, trying his best to ignore the pain shooting through his legs. He called out for his friend periodically, but never heard a response.

" _I wonder is she's still mad at me..._ "

The night seemed ominous. Since he and Zelda departed from Kakariko, he hadn't encountered _a single monster_. Though the blood moons no longer came to resurrect Ganon's minions, there should have still been plenty of them remaining. Perhaps they went into hiding until a new leader bullied his way to the top?

Link pulled out his Sheikah slate to get another look at his map. He was definitely on the path he and Zelda took, but he didn't remember which point he and Zelda separated at. As he pressed on though, an idea finally struck him...

Footprints.

Link noticed the prints his horse left on the path from earlier. Obviously all he had to do was follow them back until he found that of Zelda's horse! Simple, right?

So that's what what he did for a few miles until he found something even better; the horse itself! The white stallion was idly eating grass along a ruined fence.

"Hey Charlie!" Link called to the horse "Is Zelda here?"

"No." Said Charlie "A gang of Moblins came and kidnapped her! A lot of help _you_ were..."

"Hey sorry! I didn't notice!" Link replied in defense.

"Whatever, just go get her so we can finish this and go home." Said Charlie, returning to his grass.

"Pff! Be an ass about it why don't ya?" Link huffed as he continued on.

Link followed a trail left by the horde of Moblins, paying no mind to fact that he just had conversation with a horse. The trail was formed by trampled grass, cigarette butts and... **blood?**

"Uh oh..."

* * *

Link hurried along the path set for him, and it wasn't long until he was led to a campsite and a small cave nearby. By the dying fire laid butchered and partially eaten animals, many of them still wet with fresh blood. Link hoped this ruled out the possibility of Zelda being dead.

Figuring the monsters were spending the night in the cave, and likely keeping Zelda there as well, Link drew his sword and dashed inside.

...Except he didn't, because he came to a halt right at the entrance. It was dark inside, he had no idea how many were in there.

He was scared.

" _I'm not scared. I can do this. I'll be fine. I always win. I'm ready. Am I ready? I can't do this, I'm gonna die!_ "

Link staggered back and, for the first time in his sober life, threw up.

" _What's wrong with me? Why am I suddenly so scared of a pack of Moblins?_ "

Link had always been a survivor, but no amount of experience would ever make him safe in a battle, especially one with him alone against many. Being the reckless type, he always came out with injuries, but never anything that couldn't be healed. Now that _she_ was gone, though... All it would take is for a Moblin to get a couple good hits and he'd be toast for sure.

" _I can't run away... Zelda needs me! But... I don't wanna die..._ "

This ordeal of his took him back to that fateful day at the castle...

* * *

_With his clever disguise complete, Link finally gained the courage needed to make his swift in-and-out. He calmly pushed the door open and..._

_"HEEEEEEEEEY IT'S THE FISH FUCKER!"_

_All eyes and fingers were on Link as the room erupted in sarcastic cheers and laughter._

_"Alright guys," Link said, trying to play it cool "It was funny, I get it, but come on, let's just be adults and..."_

_"Going fishing but nothing's biting, eh?" One guard jeered._

_"Okay, I'll admit that was a good one, but that's enough-"_

_"Dude, even_ Mipha _doesn't want you! How can you be_ that _bad?" Said Viscen._

 _Now Captain Vicsen, he was something else. Every day since Link first joined the academy was a nightmare whenever he had to deal with Viscen. Most guards and soldiers had the professional decency to at least_ pretend _to like Link and cooperate with him whenever the time called for it, but not Viscen. He was always giving Link hell for no reason, and at the worst possible times._

_Link never wished ill things on a fellow human being, but Viscen was not a human being, Link certainly did not consider him as such._

_"Oh screw off! I'll have you know Mipha-"_

_"Mipha what? Viscen interrupted "Mipha thinks you're an annoying idiot and she was just talking about dumping you?"_

_"Th-that's not true..." Mipha said quietly while still under the table._

_"Hey Link!" Another random guard called._

_"What!"_

_"You like fish sticks?" the guard said while giggling at his own joke._

_Everyone looked over at the guard, unimpressed._

_"Y-y-you were supposed to say "yes" and I would-"_

_"Shut up, Duke." Said Link, waving him off and getting back to Viscen "And I know for A FACT she did not say that!"_

_"Well boys? Did she?" Viscen called to the other guards, who all nodded in agreement._

_"I... Don't... Believe You." Link said through his teeth "You're trying to wind me up... And it's not going to work... So if you know what's good for you... You will stop this... Right... Now."_

_"She's an ugly whore anyway."_

_" **RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

_Finally out of patience, Link tackled Viscen to the ground, breaking through a table on the way down, and proceeded to pummel the captain's face. Viscen fought back, which attracted a circle around the two combatants. Zelda and Urbosa joined the audience; Zelda to try in vain to stop the fighting and Urbosa, well... to watch.  
_

_At the champion's table, Revali was having the laugh of his life, Daruk was having the headache of his life, and Mipha was still hiding under the table, quietly begging everyone to stop it._

* * *

Link sighed as his blood boiled.

King Roahm came in at a very wrong time... and just _guess_ which one had the upper hand and who was able to weasel out and play the victim. Just when Link had Viscen on the ropes, just when he was about to put that smug bastard in his place... the surrounding guards suddenly got their act together for the king and pulled him off Viscen.

Link's life was ruined that day. He was sent back to basic, had all his titles taken away, and it was ironically thanks to Zelda that he wasn't discharged and tried for assaulting his superior.

Link was a different man when he met the Champions again a few months later; he never spoke anymore, he began to disobey Zelda's orders, and his attitude towards all his fellow Hylians went sour. Any time he was given a task or asked for help from civilian, he would simply ask "Why?" He was even punished at one point for doing nothing as a thief made off with stolen goods.

But as he reflected on all of this... his heart was suddenly at ease when he remembered one simple thing...

He did it for Mipha.

Though his spats with Viscen continued, Link was content to know that the captain would never bring Mipha into the picture again. No other soldier ever did either. And to Link, that's all that mattered.

Link returned to the cave entrance, staring into the darkness before him.

"There's a cocky asshole in there waiting for me. I did it before, I'll do it again. I did it for Mipha, and now I'll do it for Zelda! **I'M READY!** "

* * *

Meanwhile in the cave, Zelda finally calmed down after some conversation with Vaati.

"I never thought of you as the sensitive type, Vaati."

"Me neither." Vaati replied "I suppose I just needed someone to... connect with. This will make eternity so much more bearable."

"Oh you're _still_ dwelling on that?" Zelda sighed "I told you I'm not interested, pal."

"Oh no. I'm not giving you a choice." Said Vaati "You will be mine forever! You'll cook for me, you'll give me my weekly therapy sessions, and every night, we'll..."

"I said no!" Zelda persisted.

"And **I** said no! Or... I mean, I said yes!" Vaati turned to the Moblin "Generic Moblin! Are we ready to depart?"

"Hey I have a name, you know..." Replied the Moblin "...it's Dorall"

"PPPPPPPPPFT **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"** Zelda and Vaati laughed "What kind of name is _that_?"

"Hey! It's a common name for us Moblins." Said Dorall "Maybe you should talk to us more often instead of killing us on sight!"

"Oh man up!" Said Vaati.

"WAAAAAAH! PEOPLE ARE MEAN TO US AND JUDGE US BASED ENTIRELY ON OUR HERITAGE!" Zelda cried, imitating Dorall's voice.

"Well sorry I'm not an obnoxious sociopath like everyone else around here..." Dorall huffed. "...or a racist."

Just then, Link finally found his way to where Zelda was being held. He overheard the conversation along that way, helping him clear the cave easier.

"Enough jokes Vaati, you're going down!" Link shouted, startling everyone.

"Ah, Link." Greeted Vaati with a mocking bow "I was hoping I would see you again before I took off."

"Draw your weapon!" Link demanded as he pointed his threateningly, only for Vaati to show his _ring_ hand, making Link back down whimper like a dog.

"Now I shall remove my final obstacle and- wait a minute..."

Vaati stopped to think of the best way to handle his situation.

( _Think, Vaati, what would a first-rate villain do...?_ )

"Ummmm I mean, Hmph! This is beneath me and my superior intellect. Dorall! *snicker* deal with this pest!"

Dorall looked around for a blade, realizing there wasn't one to be found. In fact, any practical weapon that could be used was outside at the campsite... and Link was blocking the only exit.

"Uh oh... Ummmmm MEN! GET UP!" Dorall called to his fellow monsters, who must have been pretty heavy sleepers.

"Uuuuurgh..."

"I don't wanna..."

"A few more minutes, mom..."

Since nobody got up, Dorall was now alone against Link.

"I'll cut through you all! Weapon or not!" Link declared as he charged for Dorall.

" **HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-** "

*slip*

" **WHOOPS!** "

Luckily for Dorall, there was a leftover piece of wet meat in Link's way, sending the boy to the ground, dropping his sword.

"Take the sword you fool!" Vaati shouted.

Wasting no time for argument, Dorall swiftly picked up Link's sword. He held it over Link's neck, slowly and dramatically raising it for a killing blow.

"NOOOOO! LINK!" Zelda screamed.

**to be continued...**


	7. Link vs Vaati

We rejoin our hero as he is moments from his doom at the hands of Dorall the Moblin. Having slipped on a piece of steak and injured his back, Link was in no condition to rise and reclaim his sword, which was just about to sever his head. Surely this time, it was the end for Link...

"Wait..." Said Link. "Your name, what is it?"

"What do _you_ care?" Dorall asked, confused.

"You will be my last memory before I enter the afterlife. I must know your name." Link continued.

"Well... you're gonna be dead anyway, so why not? My name is... *sigh* ...Dorall."

Zelda began giggling again while Vaati held his breath, lest he lose his serious appearance.

"Very well, Dorall." Said Link "Now finish me..."

"You want a moment to laugh while we're at it?" Said Dorall sarcastically.

"Laugh at what?"

"Huh? But my name is... oh nevermind."

"Enough stalling, just do it already!" Vaati commanded.

Dorall, having actually forgotten his task for a moment, raised the sword back up and swung it downward for Link's neck. Despite Zelda's begging, Link accepted his fate.

" _I'm coming, Mipha..._ "

The blade finally struck Link, decapitating him instantly.

...

...

...

Just kidding, this is what happened.

* **PING!***

Dorall landed the sword on the ground, not far away from the intended target. Link opened his eyes and looked as his enemy began contemplating something.

"You... are the first person to _not_ make fun of my name..."

"What?"

"Is my name funny?" Dorall demanded "IS MY NAME FUNNY!"

"Uhh... no. Why? It's just a Moblin name." Said Link, confused.

Dorall threw down the sword and began crying.

"Everyone keeps laughing at me because of name! These two assholes over there, even my own fellow Moblins! I didn't choose my name, it's not _my_ fault my mom wanted me to be a girl!"

"Wait..." Link asked "Why do people joke about that? Dorall's actually a common name for-"

"IT'S A _GIRL'S_ NAME!" Dorall screamed.

"Oh."

The series of distractions were wearing Vaati's patience thin.

"I said kill him you dunce! I don't have time for this crap!"

"No."

"What!?"

"I said no! I'm done working for you!" Said Dorall "Ganon may have been a bad boss, but he _never_ insulted us! And even if he did, at least he was scary enough not to stand up to! You think you can wait out Ganon's rule, pick up the pieces and then just _demand_ our respect? I know why you did that, it's because you didn't have the stones to face him yourself! You're _nothing_ compared to Ganon, and everyone knows it, all you are is a sad, limp wristed **POSER**!"

The word "poser" rang through Vaati's mind, reminding him of it all; his mother's comments, his failure to get a single date, that one embarrassing moment at the evil genius convention, everything.

"You've done it now..." Said Vaati with noticeable change in tone.

Now enraged beyond control, Vaati transformed into a tentacled cyclops creature and began to violently swing at anything nearby.

"I'm not afraid of you- **OOF!** "

Dorall was effortlessly knocked away, leaving it up to Link who picked up his sword and took a defensive stance.

And with that, a brutal fight began. Vaati's mindless thrashing made it difficult for Link to find any pattern to exploit, but also made dodging the attacks easy. This loud brawl chased out the Moblins, save for the unconscious Dorall.

* * *

Meanwhile, in an old shack somewhere out in Hyrule Field...

***BOOM***

***BOOM***

***BOOM***

There was a banging coming from inside a closet door. After a few powerful kicks, the door finally came down. The captive used the splintered wood to cut their rope bonds and achieved freedom.

"I'm out... I'm finally out!" The person said "Now I gotta get to Link before it's too late!"

* * *

As the battle raged on, Vaati was beginning to grow weary, significantly slowing him down. This allowed Link to deal a counter attack; one tentacle flew straight for our hero, but Link was prepared.

Link dodged the lengthy appendage, and with one quick swipe of the sword...

The beast retracted in agony as one of his tentacles was severed, it's roaring giving Link time to bolt for Zelda's cage and break it open.

"Run! Quick!" Link shouted, unsure of how long Vaati would be stunned.

As Zelda attempted to make a run for it, Vaati regained his senses and grabbed Zelda.

"You're coming with me!" He shouted with gurgled voice.

Realizing his only intact limb was busy holding the struggling Zelda, Vaati decided to make his escape.

"You princess is mine, hero! I'll be back to deal with you later!"

But before Vaati could do anything, Link thrusted his sword straight through the monster's glowing eye.

" **AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEE!** " Vaati shrieked as his blinded eye sprayed out blood, his grip on Zelda loosening enough for her to crawl out.

Link ran for Vaati, raising his sword for a killing blow.

"Wait..." Said Vaati, now in the mood to talk "Kill me, and you'll never get the Triforce, for only I know where it is... Without me... you'll never see your lover again..."

Link immediately realized this and lowered his sword.

"Then here's our deal..." Said Link "Give me the Triforce and I will let you **LI-** "

Just as Link's sword was safely pointed to the floor, Vaati immediately knocked Link away.

"FOOL!"

Vaati returned to his normal form, his arm still missing and a deep cut across his face.

"Next time, I won't be so careless!" Said the mage as he teleported away.

With all quiet, Zelda ran to Link who was knocked out upon hitting the wall.

"Link! Link wake up!"

Little did Zelda know that Link, as usual, was dreaming of the past...

* * *

_Link entered Zelda's office, having been called there earlier. He already knew what is was about though; she wanted to yap in his face about the scene he made in the dinner hall. He gave out a defeated groan as he opened the door, ready for another of her famous lectures. He always had to hear her going off about something he did, but it was always the worst when he knew it was coming._

_To his surprise, Mipha was seated in the office as well, the red Zora keeping her eyes to the floor. Zelda was at her desk, rubbing her temples._

_"Sit down, Link..." Said Zelda._

_Link sat down next to Mipha for a few silent seconds while Zelda summoned up the patience needed._

_"Link..." She finally began "Would you explain to me what the fuck happened?"_

_"You were there, what do you think?" Said Link bluntly._

_"Do you have ANY IDEA how much trouble we could be in?" Zelda shouted "First you break the no alcohol rule at the New Year celebration, then you get handsy with a fellow Champion, and THEN you get in a fight a superior officer IN FULL VIEW of the king?! **WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU**!"_

_Link just sat there, seeing no point in explaining since she never listened anyway._

_"I spoke with my father earlier this morning..." Zelda continued, now more calm having let out her anger "He's beginning to... consider the demands to close our organization. There were a lot more eyes on me during that meeting than I was comfortable with."_

_Zelda leaned back in her chair._

_"I managed to make a deal with them though, on top of sending you back to basic, I also volunteered you to speak to the higher ups. In return, they decided to let you stay under probation. If this Calamity business wasn't looming over us, I don't think I could have it... I stuck my neck out for you Link, please, for both our sakes, don't make me look bad on this one... ...please?"_

_"I didn't ask you to, you know." Said Link._

_"Now here's deal..." Zelda said, ignoring Link's comment "As part of your probationary period, you and Mipha are to put your... relationship on hold. I don't know what's going on between you two and it's none of my business, but when you two are on the clock, it's 100% work, got it?"_

_"Now wait just a minute!" Link interjected "That's not fair!"_

_"It's okay Link," Said Mipha "She just means we need to focus more on our jobs."_

_"What? She's literally telling us that King Fatass is more important than **our** future!"_

_"It's only while we're on duty..."_

_"Enough!" Zelda interrupted "Mipha can you leave us alone for a minute?"_

_Hesitantly, Mipha slowly rose from her chair and exited the office, giving Link her usual "please don't make this worse" face on her way out. Now alone with Link, Zelda took a moment to gather her wits._

_"Link.." She began "I'm beginning to worry about you. Your drinking, your impulsiveness, your... well, overactive libido... I fear your temperament is becoming a serious problem for all of us, as well as yourself. Ganon could return any day now, and you've making things very difficult for our organization recently."_

_Link just started at her._

_"You have your desires; your own dreams, and I would never wish to take them from you, but what I fear above is... that someday, you and I will meet on the battlefield, and I will have to do something I really won't want to." She continued, hoping to get_ something _through to his head._

_But alas, the stubborn Link continued staring at her, clearly just waiting for her to finish so he can leave. Finally out of patience, Zelda rested her head backward and waved her hand towards the door, not even in the mood to tell him "just get out."  
_

_When it came to Link's habit of disobeying his princess, Zelda could always at least count on him to leave when dismissed. That's exactly what Link did, it was as if he completely forgot she was there._

_As he left, Mipha was in the hallway waiting for him._

_"Link wait a minute." Said the Zora as she tried to stop him "I know it's upsetting, but you need to remember our mission, we need- Link? Link!"_

_Link completely ignored Mipha as his stoic expression turned to anger upon closing the door. He then proceeded to storm off, likely back to his room._

* * *

Link woke up outside the cave by a campfire with pain all over his body. Zelda was texting on her retrieved Sheikah Slate with a surprisingly blissful look on her face, considering the ordeal they just went through. Dorall was there too, he was reheating some of the leftover boar meat on the fire.

"Are you okay Zelda?" Link asked, mostly asking out courtesy, since he could already see there was nothing wrong.

"Well, I make a living."

Link chuckled at Zelda's silly reply then took a second glance to realize there was a Moblin among them.

"And you... Dorall, what are you doing here?"

"Just making some breakfast before I go." The Moblin replied simply.

Having been unconscious for several hours near a monster with every chance to kill him and still being alive, Link decided Dorall was trustworthy and asked no further questions. Turning back to Zelda, though...

"Zelda, once the sun comes up, we need to get going! I don't know how much time we have."

Zelda didn't seem to hear him since she was too fixated on her text based conversation.

" **ZELDA!** "

"Hmm?"

"Did you hear me? First thing in the morning, we gotta move! Gerudo Desert is still a long way off and we can't waste any more time! At this rate, it'll take days without our horses..."

Link then remembered something.

"Wait a minute, where did Charlie go?"

Little did our heroes know, Charlie was the one who had led them into Vaati's trap. His task complete and the operation a failure, Charlie returned to his master for further instructions on the new plan.

"Hmmmmmm... I don't know." Said Zelda.

"If he's gone, he's gone. We'll have to go it on foot until we find a better method." Link said as he rose to his feet.

"Oh, I know a better way!" Zelda declared as she finally put down her slate.

"What is it?"

* * *

"We'll just skip to the part where we arrive!"

After days of traveling, stops for snacks, encounters with Vaati, and other general distractions, our heroes finally made it to their destination where they hoped to gather the information necessary to take down Vaati. Of course, Link was now faced with a new problem upon entering the city gates...


	8. Chapter 8

" **EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK IT'S LINK!** "

As established in the previous chapter, our heroes safely arrived in the Gerudo Village. Being a tribe populated entirely by women though, Link always dreaded his visits. Like animals in heat, everyone within a 500 yard radius flocked to Link, trampling Zelda as they reached him.

"I WANT HIS BABIES!"

"I WANT HIS CLOTHES!"

"I WANT HIS EYELIDS!"

Before long, Link was completely swamped by Gerudo of varying ages, all grabbing, poking and prodding at him in attempt to be noticed by him. Link tried to wrestle his way through, but with every limb of his body being held tightly in place, it was no use.

"Okay everyone..." Said Link, trying to speak over the deafening squealing and cooing "Wait a minute, just..."

" **HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!** "

Link screamed so loud, an alien civilization eventually picked up the signal. Converting it to sound, they believed his voice was that of their god. Needless to say, Link finally had their attention.

"Look, sorry for yelling, but I'm _really_ in a hurry today. I'm here to see Riju." Link explained, extremely hoarse.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH" The Gerudo cheered.

"What? N-no, not _that_! It's strictly business, work related." Said Link.

The Gerudo finally backed off, blowing kisses and making "call me" gestures. A rather corpulent one finally stepped off of Zelda, allowing the poor Hylian to breathe once more.

"You okay?" Link asked as he helped Zelda up.

"You know, Link..." She replied, ignoring his question "I never thought about how popular you've become; women used to run _away_ from you."

"Well you know, a new hero in town and all, I'm sure it'll pass." Said Link.

"That's not what I mean. Don't you get, Link? _You can have anyone you want!_ Everyone loves you now, you're on posters, people are writing songs about you, you're not even married and they're already making up divorce scandals in the magazines!"

"Well like I said, I'm just the new... thing. People will start forgetting real soon-"

"And did I mention..." Said Zelda as she moved really close "You can have _anyone_ you want?"

"Woah hey!"

Link pushed Zelda's hands off of his body, he then looked down and realized he had been stripped completely naked by the horny Gerudo.

"Look, I need to ask; _what's gotten into you_? Ever since we left, you've been getting really weird, and progressively so."

"I dunno..." Said Zelda, looking at Link, but not at his face.

"I mean really, you were just fine and normal until we left the hospital-"

Link froze as it hit him.

" **The hospital!** "

Link remembered the massive head injuries Zelda received upon being shot into the sky by a cannonball, landing on a mountaintop, and tumbling all the way down.

"That explains _everything_!" Link said with a feeling of triumph, but then despair when he realized she could be like this forever.

Meanwhile, unknown to Link, some of the Gerudo who remembered to bring their phones stayed around to get money making shots of Link's bare body.


	9. 9

"Ugh... not this again..."

Needing to go on an emergency shopping trip, Link was forced to purchase some Gerudo attire. The problems was; there was never a men's section in any store he visited, forcing him to once again dress as a Gerudo woman.

"Oh come on honey, you look fab!" Said the flamboyant shopkeeper.

"Men who dress up as Gerudo have higher suicide rates, you know." Zelda randomly added **.**

"Alright, can we go see Riju now? Or do you wanna go catch a movie while we're at it?" Said Link, irritated by his latest distraction from the quest.

"Well Soh-REE!'' Zelda huffed "I didn't know you wanted to just walk into her room _butt naked_."

* * *

After finally settling on an outfit that looked the least embarrassing, Link and Zelda finally departed for Riju's headquarters (though they made one final stop along the way since Zelda actually _did_ want to see a movie) Before entering her throne room however, Link wondered how much info on Vaati he really needed; he didn't have much trouble taking on the mage before, and that was on top of the handicaps he suffered from injuries _before_ the battle.

When the two entered, they greeted Riju with a respectful bow. The Gerudo leader didn't even notice them come in since she was busy scrolling through something on her phone, Link already had a suspicion as to what she was looking at, judging by by the look on her face.

"Umm... Miss Riju, our guests are here..." A guard whispered.

Riju blinked and looked up.

"Oh, has a fine gentleman has come to take care us us ladies?" She purred.

"Ummm, no." Said Link "The reason we're here is because we wanted to take a look at your archives."

"Uh huh." Riju nodded.

"You see, there's a new sorcerer about, his name's Vaati, he says he's been around longer than Ganon..."

"Yeah..."

"And we wanna know, since you have a lot of old records, if you know anything about this guy that we can use against him." Link finished.

"Right."

"So what do you say? Can we have a look?" Link asked.

"Uh huuuuuuh..."

Link grabbed Riju's phone from her, noticing he was correct in thinking that she had been staring at his nudes from earlier.

" **Listen to me!** " He shouted, finally having Riju's attention "Hyrule is in danger here! A wizard has run off with the Triforce itself and there's no telling what could happen when he decides what to do with it! We need any information you have on Vaati! Please, for the love of all that roams this world, help us out here!"

"Well..." Said Riju "Now that you bring it up, the name Vaati _does_ ring a bell... Alright, you can check out our library, but in return..."

"Are you kidding me?" Link interrupted "This a national crisis- no, a _global_ crisis! What could possibly be more important to you?!"

"Relax, you don't have to do it right now." Riju said with a wave of her hand "Go take look at whatever books you need, no rush, but we're having a little trouble with the Yiga clan, you see"

"The Yiga clan? But Kohga is dead." Said Link.

"Well it seems they got reorganized faster than we thought; Intel says they're under the leadership of one called 'Master Babu' and now they've been causing more trouble than usual. So when you're done being too school for cool, will you find it in your heart to help out us poor ladies? Come on, you got a helpless little girl begging you..." Riju said while batting her eyes.

"Sigh... okay fine, but no promises on how long I'll take." Link agreed "Come on Zelda."

* * *

A few hours later, in and old and empty library, Link finally came across a dusty yellowed book. Looking at the pictures, which were stained by moisture and coffee, he knew he finally found what he was looking for. Inscribed on the pages were various images of the villains of old, some of the pictures Link quickly recognized as Vaati.

But then came a problem when Link tried to read the texts; he couldn't understand it, it was all written in ancient Gerudo.

"Well this is no good... hey Zelda, can you help me here?"

Link found Zelda at a table enjoying a children's book about a puppy that got lost. Link handed her the old book he had found.

"You're an expert linguist, right? I need you to find out what this says."

Zelda flipped through the pages, inspecting the ancient texts.

"Ah yes, I'm familiar with this one..." She exclaimed.

_"At a time before the Great Hyrulean Civil War, there existed the Minish; a small race invisible to most. Among them lived a mage named Vaati who was born to wealthy aristocrats. Vaati lived as a social outcast through his childhood; many mocking his looks and disabilities._

_Around early adulthood, Vaati achieved political power as the elected mayor of a Minish village near Lake Hylia. He was soon removed from office due to whistle blowers exposing his ties to the Gorons, who had interfered with the election to ensure his victory._

_Unable to hold any other job, Vaati turned to black magic in order to amass endless wealth and power. This lead him down a rabbit hole that resulted in several attempts at the conquest of Hyrule, making him a bitter competitor of the notorious Ganon. After an attempted team up with rival however, Vaati has been vanquished seemingly for good."_

"This is all they wrote, the article doesn't go into any detail..." Said Zelda.

"Well that wasn't very helpful..." Link said, resting his face on the table "There's gotta be more on this guy... we need an older book!"

Link disappeared back into the long aisle of old literature, leaving Zelda to continue her reading. Scanning the shelves, he was frustrated due to very few of the books being written in Hylian, forcing him to flip through anything that looked useful.

At least he knew he was in the history wing this time; earlier, he had spent up to an hour in the **fiction** section, where he found a lot of books that chronicled the Great Kokiri Genocide. Link _hoped_ that these were misfilings.

"AH! what's this?"

A rather new looking book caught Link's eye; it read " _A Detailed Chronicling of the Life of Vaati In Plain Hylian"_

Link stared out with his mouth agape.

" _I'm hallucinating. This is just too good to be true._ " He thought.

But it wasn't. All the info was right there; from his family lineage to his bank fraud scandals. The book even had...

" _No. Freaking. Way..."_

An entire chapter, the final one, that laid out all of his abilities and weaknesses.

"ZELDAAAAAAAAA!"

Link rushed back to Zelda, who was disappointed that her book didn't end with the puppy being eaten by the fox, and shoved the the book her face.

"T-T-T-THIS IS IIIIIIIIIIIIT!" Link cheered while jumping up and down.

Wasting no time, Link sat right down and went to the final chapter.

"Ok, here we go. Vaati's Abilities and Weaknesses"

_"The Great Wind Mage Vaati has been a powerful and resilient force of evil throughout the millennia; no magic has ever been able to put him out of commission permanently, and neither has any hero or enchanted blade. His powers are nearly limitless as his skills grow with each passing day._

_Though very few have encountered the wizard and survived to tell the tale, some warriors that Vaati chose to spare have managed share information they gathered upon getting their asses whooped. Though they were unsuccessful in carrying out such attacks, they claimed to have discovered a great weakness that Vaati can never truly overcome._

_...But sadly, they were foolishly mistaken, for the Great Vaati is invincible so there's nothing you can do. Sorry Link._

_\- Vaati_

_P.S. Hope you liked my book, it's a real shame you wasted so much time reading the whole thing."_

" **SON OF A BITCH!** " Link screamed, throwing the book away.

"Well the jokes on him!" Said Zelda "We skipped to the end!"

* * *

Later that night, Link was outside Riju's palace smoking a cigarette (a habit he picked up quite recently, given the turns his life had taken over the last few days) and thinking of a new game plan. Obviously this whole "Uncover the secret to Vaati's weakness" thing wasn't getting them anywhere and it was even worse when he had no idea how much time he even _had_ to waste. For all he knew, it could have already been too late by then.

"Vaati..." Link grumbled, tossing away his cigarette.

Leaning back on a wall, Link stared up at the clear desert sky. He saw the half moon, the stars, the tail of the Milky Way galaxy; how romantic the sight was, and yet how annoying.

Night time. The time when everyone who could assist him in his quest was asleep, forcing him to helplessly wait for morning before any progress could be made.

"That is a lack of control that you are feeling, my friend."

Link jumped and looked around.

"Who's there!"

"I'm up here, Link."

Link looked up and saw Vaati on top of Riju's place. No longer needing to stay hidden, Vaati jumped down and landed not far in front of Link.

"Could have killed you in 9 different ways, hero."

"What do you want, demon!" Link demanded.

"Very well then, I'll cut to it since you're so eager to know." Vaati began "Seeing as we are both growing weary of this struggle, I've come to offer a trade; **Zelda for the Triforce.** "

"Wh-what?"

"Come on Link, I know what you _really_ want from me; if the Triforce hadn't come into play, you would be hiding in your grimy cabin daydreaming all day long." Said Vaati.

"That's not true!" Link protested.

"It's not?"

"No! The Triforce may have been the reason I came out of hiding, but I _never_ forgot my true mission in life; and that's protecting Hyrule from the likes of you! So no deal, Vaati, Hyrule will not fall into your hands, and neither will Zelda!" Said Link, beaming with righteousness.

"Oh, so _that's_ what you've been telling yourself..." Vaati began "Well let me me just ask: Don't you miss her? Wasn't Mipha supposed to be the _whole world_ to you? That there was just no point without her?"

"Well that's true _in a way_ , but-"

"But what? You decided that Zelda is more important?" Vaati prodded.

"Well no... Zelda is just my friend."

"And I know _why_ she is your friend; it's because she's here. What if Revali was the one who survived? Or any of the others? Would you think the same of them; the only remaining piece of your old life?" Said Vaati. " Now ask yourself this, Link: What has Zelda done to earn the 'best friend' title? In fact, what has she _ever_ done for you? Besides constantly demanding your time, berating you, putting your life at risk."

"What are you implying, Vaati?"

"I'm not implying anything, I'm simply bringing up the pertinent questions. Why are you defending her? By extension, you're defending a country and people who have done nothing but mock you."

"That's in the past, those people are long gone. Everyone around here appreciates my efforts!" Said Link.

"Because you bowed down and gave them what they wanted." Vaati countered "Isn't time about you stood up and shaped your _own_ destiny. I took your prize right before your eyes and now you intend to give it up just like that? I may be your enemy Link, _but are they any better?_ At the very least, I'm actually offering to give you something, all I ask is something in return; to give _and_ take."

"I..."

This was simply too much for Link.

"G-go away."

But then...

"Wait a minute!" Said Link as he perked back up "Why on Earth would you expect me to believe you? Last I checked, you need the Triforce as much as I do!"

"Oh that will change very soon." Said Vaati "My team is getting closer and closer to uncovering the secret to the Triforce's power. By next week, it will be useless to me... Because I will wield an even _greater_ power; **infinite wish granting!** I will be the unchallenged ruler of all that exists, able to mold reality as I see fit; the Triforce will be a fortune cookie compared to me! And with Zelda as my wife, her power will be all I need to make that happen!"

"You're crazy..."

"And _my_ junk could be _your_ treasure... If you just give her to me." Vaati said, now getting a little excited "Yes... I can see it now; **Vaati and Link: The men who rose to conquer all!** "

"I... I..."

"So what do you say?" Said Vaati with his hand outstretched.

"Umm..."

"Going once."

"Well-"

"Going twice."

" **D-DEAL!** "


	10. 10

"Here we are..."

The next morning, Link, Zelda and Riju arrived at the Yiga Clan's infamous hideout. While he was in his usual bad mood, Link was seriously thinking about what Vaati told him the previous night. It _sounded_ atrocious, to condemn his best and only friend to a forced eternal marriage like that, but... the deal was done. The Triforce was rightfully his; he fought for it, he was chosen by the gods themselves to make a wish upon it as their way of repaying him for fighting their battle for them. It was his. His.

He looked over at Zelda, who was playing with her slate as always, and decided to at least test the water.

"Soooooooo Zelda." He awkwardly began "How about this Vaati? what a jerk, am I right?"

"Oh my GAWSH! don't get me started!" Zelda replied.

"Cocky, annoying, an all around pain in the ass..." Link fake ranted "He's a handsome fellow though, I'll give him that."

"Gurl, you just read my mind." Said Zelda "I mean, I always had a thing for emo look, but this guy... MRRROW!"

"Well it's a good thing you go for personality over looks, I mean, who'd want to listen to _that_ guy every day? He'd be much better off with someone who just wants his money-"

" _Who_ has money!?" Riju said, jumping in on the conversation.

"Uhh... Vaati. You know, the guy we've been talking about these last couple days..." Link answered, a bit startled by her interjection.

"Got a picture of him?" Riju asked "It might be about time I settle down with a real man."

"Umm... yes, I do." Said Link as he pulled out his slate "He added me on Facespace a few days ago... for some reason."

With Riju watching very closely, Link scrolled through entire folders worth of selfies Vaati had taken.

"Mmm-mmm- **MMH!** Now _that's_ someone I'd want to keep me warm on a cold night." Riju squealed. "What's your problem with this guy again?"

"Well apart from the fact that he has the most powerful artifact in the world at his disposal, he's been following us for days, trying to force Zelda to marry him." Link explained, feeling as if it was the fifth time he's had to do this.

"Well what's the _problem,_ then _?_ " Riju persisted.

"Huh?

"I mean, he wouldn't _need_ to force me, but GODS would I love it if he did..." Riju purred.

"Okay, that's... yeah."

Link turned back to Zelda.

"Actually Zelda, what do you say? Would Vaati ever go for a sassy bodacious dark woman like Riju?"

"I say she's crazy if she thinks she's stealing my man!" Said Zelda "I'm the one he kidnapped, you know!"

Link grinned evilly; this was just too easy.

"What do you mean 'your man?' until you two are at the altar, it's anyone's game."

" **LINK! STOP THIS NOW!** "

As always, Link snapped from trance at the sound of the voice. This time however, he felt as if something had left his body.

"Wha? what was I...?" Link said in a daze "Oh, right! Yiga hideout. So do we have a plan?"

* * *

***SLASH***

"ARGH!"

***STAB***

"AYIEEEE!"

***SLICE***

"MY LEG!"

Just like in the good old days, Link was going one man army on the Yiga clan's hordes. Room after room he stormed through the building on a search for this Master Babu. After dispatching a particularly unskilled unit, Link took out some food from his bag and took a break. He felt safe in doing this since the Yiga never seemed to leave their stations, even with an intruder at large.

"Hmmm..."

Looking around, Link noticed the hideout had fallen into a state of disrepair since his last visit. Filth everywhere, trash scattered about, and he was not willing to take bets on what the bathrooms looked like.

_(Maybe I killed the janitor last time...)_

As he finished his lunch, Link got up to enter the next room, where there was no doubt another squad of Yiga waiting in ambush.

And surely enough, there was.

And surely enough, Link took them out easily.

Link was seriously getting bored.

* * *

After a while, Link made it to Babu's headquarters, he knew this because of a series of directional signs that lead him straight to his destination. Seems like this Babu wanted to make things easier for the rookies, given the high mortality rate in the clan. It was then that it finally occurred to Link that he should be looking out for booby traps; this was the boss' office after all. Upon inspecting the door though, he noticed it was already open anyway so he just went in.

The room was dark, illuminated only by the TV. His eyes adjusting to the darkness, Link made out the silhouette of his foe.

"You must be Babu!" Link called.

"Mmm-hmm..." The Yiga nodded.

"Then draw your weapon and fight! I'm here to wipe you out once and for all!" Said Link with his sword out.

"Sigh... my sword's on the table, can you get it for me?" Babu huffed.

It was only then that Link saw what a truly pathetic sight his enemy was; an obese Yiga sitting on the couch eating ice cream and watching daytime television.

"Okay, what's going on here!"

" _Life_ is going on." Said Babu "You have it all in order, everything is right where it should be... and then, _it_ happens. Before you know it, there's nothing you can do but watch it all burn."

Babu took out his wallet and showed Link a picture of a rather plain looking Yiga.

"This is _Jubie_ ; my fiance. We were going to be married, have the most beautiful children and grow old together, but then... (sigh) she never came back."

"What happened?" Link asked.

"Kohga sent her out to deal with some guy who was causing our clan trouble; it was months ago."

Link gulped when he had a feeling who this "some guy" happened to be.

"And now my clan is falling apart, the people who forced me into this position and put so much trust in me are dying left and right. We Yiga are a few raids away from being a footnote in the history books, but... that's how it all works in the end. As many wise men have said: _What's the point?_ "

Link felt inclined to turn away and leave Babu to suffer in peace, but he couldn't help feeling a strange connection to the man he was intent on killing just moments before.

"You know what Babu? You may not believe this, but I remember being in that place not too long ago." Link said as he joined the Yiga on the couch.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Link took out his slate and showed Babu his wallpaper; it was a picture of himself and Mipha at the New Year Celebration.

"Dude, that's..."

"Yep, Princess Mipha herself." Said Link "I was in love too, once. Mipha and I, we were inseparable; longer than I can remember, really. But the truth is..."

Link took a moment to prepare himself, for the next part was really going to hurt.

"The truth is, we were going to get married _after_ the Calamity, if we survived, but... _I didn't know it._ "

Link remembered the day he was given the Zora Armor; the second he saw it, he knew what it meant. He remembered running out of the room the first chance he got to find somewhere he could be alone, where no one could see him cry.

"If I had only known..."

"I guess I should consider myself lucky." Said Babu "I already had everything figured out. It was my own fault for waiting so damn long..."

"No, _I'm_ the one who had it easy." Said Link "Whatever happened to... what was her name again?"

"Jubie."

"Whatever happened to _Jubie_ was out of your control; she _had_ to follow Kohga's orders. Me? well, I _could_ have been on top of things, ...if I hadn't been such an ass. Call it survivor guilt, but I can't shake the feeling that things could have gone differently, if... you know."

Link then changed the subject before he was forced to relive the final conversation he had with the Champions.

"But you wanna know what I learned, Babu? There is only one cure for depression and that is _living in the moment_. The moment I left my house last week, I was already feeling loads better; I felt the sun, I saw my friends, it was the best thing that happened to me in forever. If I had stayed hiding in my dusty old shack, I'd have nothing to but wait for my liver to give out."

"I don't exactly have a lot of friends..." Said Babu, now beginning to shy away.

"Then why don't you and I hit the town and grab a beer sometime? We already have a lot in common. Here, take my number."

Link got up and gave Babu a piece of paper with his number on it. He could already see a smile forming on the Yiga's face.

"If you ever need help or someone to hang out with, I'll be there." He said with a flashy grin.

As Link left, Babu returned his attention to the TV.

( _Tomorrow, this dark chapter of my life ends._ ) He thought.

But then he thought about everything Link said.

( _When this episode is over, I'm going out._ )

And finally, he wondered what Jubie would have wanted for him; to waste away inside all day, or to live life and and be happy?

( _I heard here's a new shooting gallery in Kakariko._ )

Babu turned off the TV.

On his way out, Link was still looking at the picture he was using as a wallpaper ever since he took it; they looked so happy together, even if it was taken on the day it all went downhill. Feeling he got a good enough look, he then opened his pictures folder. About half of the photos within were taken over the last couple months; construction sites, beautiful scenery he had come across during his travels, and best of all, his friends.

One of the pictures had _everyone_ in it; Zelda, Sidon, Riju, Paya, everyone. It was taken during the celebration of the end of Ganon's reign, which was also where they all began the effort to rebuild Hyrule. Link was in it too, with a smile brighter than the sun, which was an extreme rarity as he usually just forced a half assed grin.

( _There is only one cure for depression and that is living in the moment.)_

Link decided it was time for a wallpaper change. As he was setting it, Babu came running up from behind.

"Hey kid!" He called. "Before you go, what's your name."

"Uhh... Link." Link answered, hoping Babu didn't recognize it.

"Link, huh? Well then Link, don't be a stranger; if you ever need guy, I'm always right here." Said Babu as he returned to his room.

"Got it. I'll see you around, man." Said Link as left in the other direction.

As Babu closed his door, he chuckled to himself.

"He invades my home, kills my clansmen, ruins our people's image, and yet he's the best guy I ever met..."

* * *

 **"** You just let him go?! **"**

"Don't worry, it's not going to be a problem."

As Link returned to report to Riju, he didn't have much choice in telling her that he did not kill Babu. Of course, he didn't tell the _whole_ truth of what happened in there.

"Well... alright." Said Riju "That may actually be for the better; now that you've roughed up their leader, he might order the Yiga to stop attacking us."

"I made sure of that." Link said through his teeth. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have an annoying mage to deal with."

Link and Zelda left Riju's palace and into the village, bound for destinations unknown.

( _Wait a minute, where did Vaati even me to go?_ )

Outside the village, Link took one last look at the prison of estrogen he spent a 24 hour term in. He hoped that last time he would be setting foot there for _at least_ another year.

"So where to now, cap'n?" Zelda said as she skipped ahead of him.

"I don't know, but our next step is to find out where Vaati is hiding." He answered.

Link looked at her and felt the contrast; while he was anxious about his little deal with Vaati, Zelda was as joyful and carefree as ever. He wondered how she did it. Actually...

"Hey Zelda!" Link called "You wanna... talk for a minute?"

Zelda came to a halt turned to face him. "If we're talking about the movie, let me establish that it was horrible, and that is _not_ arguable."

"Huh? No, it's _us_ I want to talk about. Link said, even though he did agree with her statement.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah." Link began "You know, when I was in the Yiga hideout, I did some thinking, and... well, I never realized until then how much you mean to me. I always thought of you as that person I _had_ to be friends with, but we've been through so much together and you were always there to keep me going, even if you tend to be kind of annoying in your... current state."

"OH LINK, I LOVE YOU TOO!" Screamed Zelda as she ran to embrace him.

"What? No! That's not what I'm getting at!" Link replied, now having second thoughts on this whole talk "All I'm saying is, I'm sorry if I ever acted like you were some kind of burden. You know what I'm saying?"

"Well are you going to say sorry for getting my hopes up like that?" Said Zelda.

"Okay, maybe we need to discuss that... huh?"

**WEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

In the distance, a Hyrulian Guard carriage rolled towards the heroes, one of said guards screeching his own siren noise along the way.

"Oh no, they found me!" Zelda screamed.

As the carriage came to a stop, a team of three Hylian soldiers jumped out and tackled Zelda to the ground; two to restrain her and one to place her hands into cuffs. Link could only stare, having no idea how to react.

As Zelda was being dragged off, another figure stepped out of the carriage, it was...

...Zelda?

"Zelda?! W-w-what?!" Link stuttered, looking back and forth between the two princesses.

"Link! Are you okay?" The new Zelda asked "I was worried she might have strangled you by now!"

"But-but-but, you were just... you-you-you..." Link continued babbling, his mind having been, if you'll pardon my language, raped by this experience.

" **That was an imposter, Link!** How could you _possibly_ get me confused with that girl?!" Zelda yelled.

Looking back at the "Zelda" now being placed in a straight jacket, Link realized that the two didn't even have the same hair color.

"Well... I thought you just dyed your hair or something. I can never tell with you sometimes..." Link said in defense.

"That was **Eggie Crystal**." Explained one of the guards "An escaped patient from the Kakariko Psych Ward. She had a HUGE fascination with the princess."

Link was taken aback by this news; Throughout his whole adventure, he was being followed by a complete stranger who could have done anything to him at any moment. Her behavior, the strange voicemail, her complete apathy regarding Vaati, those mother issues she always talked about. It all made sense now, yet at the same time, it didn't. _When_ did this Eggie replace Zelda? How was _Vaati_ fooled? (or _anyone_ , for that matter) _Why_ was she acting rather normal when their adventure began?

Link didn't bother dwelling on that though, since he remembered he had a bigger concern.

"Well if you're the _real_ Zelda, here's the thing..."

"I know." Said the true Zelda "Impa brought me up to speed when I returned to Kakariko. I want to have a word with you about the Triforce later, but right now we have to stop Vaati before it's too late! Now, according to the information I gathered..."

"No need, Zelda, I already have a plan!" Link said with a "eureka" kind of pose.

"Really? what is it?"

Link slowly pulled his sword out.

"We're going dress shopping, Zelda, you got a big day coming up!"


	11. 11

About a week had passed since Link made made an unscrupulous move and accepted Vaati's offer of a trade. Zelda, reluctant to go along with such a heinous plan, was _forced_ to go along with it thanks to Link's surprising skill in persuasion. Shortly after, Link was finally able to make arrangements after establishing contact with Vaati, who was evidently very bad at giving instructions.

On the eve of the wedding, which was to take place at Zora Hall, Zelda was having herself a bachelorette party back in Kakariko, and an extremely awkward one at that; when the news broke out the Zelda and Vaati were going to be married, there was naturally a huge wave of panic that swept over Hyrule.

"Zelda, you simply _can't_ be serious about this; this is insane!" Said Impa upon arriving.

"Don't worry Impa, Link has a plan." Said Zelda.

"Really now? _Then what is it?_ "

"Well I don't know yet..." Said Zelda "But I trust him, he's an expert in situations like this; don't you remember that whole Damien ordeal?"

"But this is different, Zelda." Paya added "Isn't Link the one who sold you to Vaati in the first place?"

"Just trust me, or... trust _him_. It's going to be okay, I promise."

* * *

**ZORA'S DOMAIN**

Meanwhile, Link and Vaati were overseeing the final preparations for royal wedding; In the Zora Hall, as it was the only place in Hyrule presentable enough to hold such an event. The area was heavily secured by Vaati's minions; Come the next day, no one was going to be allowed in except for the camera crew. It was actually _Link_ who suggested they lock the vicinity down and televise the wedding to ensure nothing went wrong.

King Dorephan and Prince Sidon were there as well, but mostly because they had the right to at least _know_ what Link and Vaati were doing to their property.

"Sooo... You're serious about this, aren't you?" Sidon asked Link.

"Well yeah, considering we're almost done." Said Link.

"But here's what I don't get: _Why are you the best man?_ " Sidon continued.

Hearing this, Vaati butted in.

"A power play, my friend!" He declared "I want the people of Hyrule to know just how hopeless they are... when they see that their hero has betrayed his princess! That _no one_ will be coming to save her; I. WILL. BE. KING!"

Vaati inhaled.

"Ahh, I sure hope Rhoam can see it; just the look on his face... I'd have that framed."

As Vaati walked off, Link leaned over to Sidon.

" _It's because he doesn't have any friends..._ "

After about two hours, everything was nearly complete; it was now just Vaati nitpicking over the placement of decorations. Link, feeling like his part was done, stepped back and looked at the 99.99999998% complete project, taking it all in. How beautiful it all was; everything was perfect, just the way he imagined it.

Just the way he imagined it...

"Oh gods..." He choked out.

Link calmly made his way to the nearest door and stepped outside. Once he was sure no one could see him, he ran. He didn't know where he was going, but he ran.

" **LINK, WATCH OUT!** "

When he heard the voice calling, Link opened his eyes and came to a stop. He then realized he was near the edge of a waterfall, with only a few steps between himself and a 91 meter drop. He gasped and backed up to catch his breath, but he didn't take too long; for he noticed something odd this time...

You see, every time he heard _that_ voice, it was ringing inside his head as if he was imagining it, but this time... it was definitely _not_ coming from his mind.

"Wh-where are you?" Link called, seemingly to nobody.

After a moment of silence, it finally responded.

" **FOLLOW MY VOICE, LINK.** "

Link didn't need to follow anything though, because he already figured it out; the voice was coming from the statue of Mipha, _the one who had been speaking to him this whole time_.

Wasting no time, our hero quickly ran to the statue, expecting to see her ghost, but still half hoping to see her body; her living, breathing body. Upon arriving though, he found nothing; just the stone image that marked her early grave. Link looked around for any sign of her, as well as to make sure nobody else was about, lest people start thinking he's some schizophrenic.

"Okay, um... I'm here!" He called out.

...

"Wwwwwwhere are you?"

...

" **RRRRRRRRGH!** "

***CRACK***

" **AAAAAAAARRRRRGH!** "

Frustrated, Link punched the statue and in return, received a throbbing pain in his hand. This didn't calm him down though, it wasn't enough; He was tired of flashbacks, he was tired of voices, he wanted pain, because pain was real.

"WHY!"

***CRACK***

"WHY!"

***CRACK***

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

***CRACK***

After bashing his head against the statue enough times, Link fell back. With blood trickling down his forehead he looked up at the night sky; the sky he couldn't see with all the stars clouding his vision. Or _were_ they in his eyes? Who cares?

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Kakariko, Zelda was attempting to get the drinks into everyone so the pesky questions would stop; she was successful in some, other were a work in progress, but Impa was still standing strong and going about her interrogation.

"...and tell me this: _why_ do you suddenly trust him so much? Before now, all I ever heard about him was how much of a liability he is."

"It's not like that, Impa, and you know that." Zelda protested "Link may have always been unpredictable, and a little on the dangerous side, but he _always_ came through in the end. No villain has ever laid a hand on me while I was under his protection... Well, except Ganon, but that wasn't his fault."

"But then our new enemy got a hold of something Link wants." Said Impa.

"Pardon?"

"Oh come on, you know what I'm talking about!" Impa shouted, now getting rather frustrated "The Triforce! The very key to this whole crisis; why would Link begin making deals with his enemy if he had nothing to gain from it? He wants to bring that Zora girl back to life and this little wedding shenanigan is how he's going to do it!"

"Now granted, that _is_ his main motivation, but I told him I would discuss it with him once we got-"

"And let me just say this, now that I think about it." Impa interrupted "Suppose Link _does_ catch Vaati in some kind of trap and puts this business to rest, what happens next?"

"We should at least know _where_ the Triforce is being hidden. _That_ is where things will be a little difficult." Said Zelda "Whether or not we actually _get_ it... _that's_ where we'll have to trust him..."

* * *

After some time passed, Link regained consciousness and calmed down. He sat upright; not thinking about anything, but just staring at the statue. All was quiet except for the sound of flowing water... and footsteps.

"Someone there?" Link called.

Turning around, Link saw Prince Sidon approaching from behind.

"It's just me, Link." Said the prince "We need someone to tell Vaati to go home, because we..."

Sidon then noticed that he might have been intruding.

"Oh... umm, did you want to be alone?"

"Nah, it's okay." Said Link "I was about to head back anyway..."

"Hey, if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here." Sidon said as he put his hand on Link's shoulder "I know what a process it is; it's not easy."

Link actually _did_ want to open up a little to his Zora friend, but something else came to mind instead.

"Actually Sidon, what I've been thinking about is: Am I doing the right thing? This wedding... it just seems like I made a mistake, a horrible mistake."

"No offense man, but forcing Zelda to marry Vaati? You should have known it was a bad idea from the start." Said Sidon.

" _Zelda_... yeah... But that's not what I was talking about; you see..."

Link stopped before he went too far.

"Umm... can you keep a secret, Sidon?"

"Sssssssure...?"

"You've heard of the Trfiorce, right?" Link asked, wanting to break the news as smoothly as possible.

"Yeah."

"Well... Vaati has it, and that's going to be _his_ end of our deal..." Link said, scared of what Sidon's response could be.

"Deal?" Said Sidon "What do you mean... No..."

Link gulped.

"You're going to try and bring her back aren't you?"

Link didn't respond.

"Link, if you'll pardon my language, _what the fuck is wrong with you?_ First, you make a deal with a mage, then you force your best friend into an eternity of misery with said mage, and _then_ you-"

"She was your sister, Sidon!" Link barked "Don't you want her back?"

"I'd love nothing more than that, but you need to understand; the dead can't just be _wished_ back to life without some kind of consequence! Think about it; if you were to so brazenly violate the laws of nature, there's no telling what could happen." Sidon ranted.

"Yeah yeah..."

"No Link, THINK! If a link between two worlds is created, who's to say it will ever break? or what if you get sucked in? what if the afterlife is merged with our world? You need to realize that some doors just aren't _meant_ to be opened."

"It's worth the risk..." Link said out the side of his neck.

"Is it really? Do you really think that?" Sidon asked.

"..."

Sidon then decided to ease up a bit and change the subject.

"By the way, there's... something I wanted to get off my chest, now that I think about it." He began "You see, unlike you I had _a hundred years_ to come to terms with her death, but sometimes, I just... I still wish things were different. Between me and Mipha."

"I know, me too." Link replied "The worst part is always the regrets; all the _if only's_."

"Yeah. Well, on the night before the battle, Mipha and I, we got in a bit of a fight. It was just a... typical sibling squabble, I don't even remember what it was about, but it was what I said..."

"What did you say?" Link asked.

"Just... nasty things." Said Sidon "I didn't mean what I said, but it still haunts me; makes me wonder how it would have been if I'd known that... she wouldn't be coming home..."

"You always feel that way no matter what, man." Said Link "I meant what _I_ said to the fullest and it _still_ hurts."

"Well what did _you_ tell her?" Sidon asked.

( _"GO TO HELL!"_ )

"I... I told her to be careful; don't be a hero, let's see this through together no matter what." Link lied.

...

"But enough about that." Link said as he got back up "We need to get everyone to bed for tomorrow; we're going to need everyone well rested in case something goes wrong."

"Yeah, _in case_..." Sidon muttered.

And with that, Link and Sidon returned to the Zora Hall to close up shop for the night. During this, Sidon had difficulty with the thought of Link, the man he had idolized since he was child, coming up with such a malicious plan. At first he thought Link was using this wedding as some kind of setup, but now that he had heard the plan from the elf himself, he was _appalled_ , to put it plainly. Perhaps it was time for him to take matters into his own hands?


	12. 12

It was a long and quiet night for everyone; all across the world ruled a restless panic in anticipation of the upcoming event. On occasion, one would encounter some whispering among the common folk: rumors that the great hero, Link, had not only turned coat and sided with Vaati, but was using Zelda (and by extension, everyone) as a bargaining chip in his bid for Triforce; everyone was ware of his new agenda after all.

All eyes were now focused on Zora's Domain and the royal wedding that was due to take place within. Aside from the social shut-ins who were shitposting about it on anonymous message boards, there were three _important_ people who were waiting for the morning in _excitement_. Vaati was obviously one of them, but Link...

Link returned to his countryside cabin for the first time in weeks, feeling it would be best to stay out of sight until all was said and done. After barely managing to disarm a mustard gas trap in time, he went to bed to try and get some much needed rest, but only found himself counting the minutes until it was time to leave.

"It's over... it's finally gong to be over..." He said to himself in some form of reassurance.

Link then chuckled at the nostalgic value of his situation; the key to Mipha's return to life being only sleepless night out of his reach, he knew he had done this dance before. Only this time, he was confident that there was no one who could screw him at the last second.

( _Not this time... not his time..._ )

Link looked over to his custom made Mipha blow-up doll, slightly saddened by the fact that he was spending his last night with it; come the next day, it was going to have to go. An object like that made in his future wife's likeness was something best left undiscovered, after all **.**

Link's memory of that night blurred from there as he drifted off to sleep shortly after.

* * *

It was around 9:00 AM when everyone had finally rolled out of their beds and flocked to the nearest TV, ready to bear witness to whatever fate Princess Zelda was about to suffer. Anyone involved in the wedding groggily arrived in Zora's Domain, wishing Vaati had picked a more reasonable time. Once security had been set up in the Royal Hall, various news networks were allowed inside for broadcasting. One special exception allowed for entry was Vaati's father, Motti.

"Mah boi's finally becomin' a man!" Shouted the large, burly old mage "Just when I was startin' to think you were a lost cause."

"It's a strange feeling, knowing that you were wrong." Vaati snidely replied "Nothing _I'd_ understand, of course."

"Ah, don't be like that son." Said Motti, hitting Vaati on the shoulder _way_ too hard.

As Link volunteered to go light the candles, he took advantage of all the business and placed a box under the altar. Once he was sure that nobody saw him, he then left and made his way to Zelda's room.

***KNOCK KNOCK***

"Who is it?" Zelda said from the other side.

"It's me, Link."

Zelda opened the door, making sure that the first thing Link saw her frustrated expression.

"Hey, why aren't you dressed? They're expecting you out there, you know." Link teased.

"Very funny, now is this important?" Said Zelda.

"Nah not really, I was just coming by to see how you were... okay."

After he stepped in and closed the door, Link got to the point, and quietly so.

"Yes. Yes it _is_ important."

Before Link could continue, the overwhelming sound of panicked shouting raged from the other side of the door. Link quickly figured what was going on.

"Whoops, uhh... I'll have to tell you later, I better get out there."

Without even giving Zelda a chance to ask a questions, Link bolted back to the royal hall the find the area being heavily searched by security and a team of Bokoblins inspecting the box he had hidden earlier. Pushing through the crowds, he found Vaati who was rubbing his head in anger.

"Vaati!" Link called "What's going on? what happened?"

"I'll tell you what happened!" Vaati shouted "My dumbfuck minions just let someone walk right in here and plant a _bomb_ under the altar _all_ _in plain sight!_ "

"Ah shit!" Link growled "Now what?"

"As soon as the sweep is finished, we carry on as planned." Said Vaati "The world is expecting a show, and I'm not going to let some stupid bomb ruin everything."

"We're supposed to go live in..."

Link check his slate.

" **12 MINUTES?!** How long until your team is done?!"

"Not for another fucking half hour!" Said Vaati.

"Okay people!" The mage called out "10 minutes and we're moving on!"

"But boss." Said a Lynel "We need _at least_ 20 minutes-"

"I DON'T CARE!" Vaati snapped. "I said we start 10:00, we start at 10:00!"

"Wait a minute, I have an idea!" Link interjected "What if... we _changed_ the schedule a little?"

Link turned to Vaati.

"Vaati, maybe you can _start_ the broadcast with your demoralizing villain speech and buy us the time we need. By the time you're done, it should be safe to get Zelda out here."

Vaati raised his finger and opened his mouth to make an argument, but then as he gave it some thought, his lips curled into a smile.

"Good idea..."

* * *

After about an hour of anxiously watching their TVs, the people were struck with a mixture of horror and relief when the feed finally came live, showing a well decorated hall; the camera focused on the altar. It only took a few agonizing seconds before Link himself stepped into view and tested the microphone.

"People of Hyurle, of Termina, of Hytopia, people of the world... I apologize for the wait. Today, a new _era_ begins in the same way a new _life_ begins: with a wedding. It is my honor to introduce to you my friend and _your_ future emperor, ... **Vaati the Wind Mage.** "

As Link stepped off the platform, there was a moment of silence for the sake of suspense, a very brief moment since Vaati got impatient and appeared at the altar out of thin air. Now that he was in view though, he decided to milk it for a few more seconds before beginning with a deliberate change in his voice..

"It has been said that he who is humble shall inherit the world; that the honest and just will _always_ prevail. Whoever wrote that... was full of it. For millenia... I have slaughtered by the thousands, tortured the innocent for my entertainment, brought about the destruction of many great empires. I have done it all-"

"He even pretended to be British all through summer camp!" Motti shouted from somewhere out of view.

"I told you to be quiet!" Vaati shouted back, breaking his baritone.

"Now where was I... oh yes, while you pitiful people cowered before a giant pig, I waited; waited until his mindless aggression became his downfall. It was then, with my expertise in _magic_ and the power of my _mind_ that I enacted the rest of my plan, and you all played right into my game; especially your princess and your hero. It's not the brave who triumph, or the strong, it's the superior minded!"

"HA! I saw all _your_ report cards, son!" Motti commented.

"DAD I SAID SHUT UP!" Vaati screamed.

"Seriously, the boy never got an A in his life."

With that, Vaati pulled out a roll of duct tape and stomped off the platform to personally secure his father to a chair and cover his mouth.

"I mean, he helped fix his teacher's car and got a free pasMMHPMHPMHH"

Vaati returned to the altar and tried to continue as normal.

"Now as I was saying... uhh..."

He then pulled out his pre-written speech.

"Shit, lost my spot..."

* * *

"...okay are we ready? I think he's about to finish."

"Born ready. Now remember, stay out of sight _until it's time!_ "

Link left Zelda's room and met with the Lynel from earlier in the royal hall.

"Everything good?"

"Yep, all clear. We just need to wait until he's done rambling." The Lynel replied.

Needing to hear no more, Link got behind the camera and gave Vaati the OK sign. Vaati nodded and prepared to wrap it up.

"...and seriously, just _showing up at the end?_ What kind of villain does _that_ anymore? A villain who's too afraid to show himself to the people, that's who. Seriously folks, I met the guy, he had the charisma of a damp old rag. Anywho, I know what you all tuned in to see, and who am I to deny the common man a presentation?"

The camera zoomed out to show the entire picture; Paya on the far left as the aid of honor, Link on the far right as the best man, and King Dorephan himself stepping up to the altar as Vaati moved to his position. Paya was in an ugly dress so as not to eclipse the bride, (also because she was a peasant) and Link's outfit raised quite a few eyebrows; he was wearing what looked like decorative Zora armor instead of a cheap suit like he normally wears on special occasions.

"Alright people let's move it, we're out of here in 5 minutes!" Vaati called out.

Link grinned. That huge fancy reception he spent so much money on... it wasn't for Vaati.

As the wedding march played on the really loud organ, the large doors opened to reveal the bride. Her face hidden by the veil, she began her hike up to the altar, where she was to forfeit her life to a man she didn't love. Vaati felt a sadistic satisfaction when he noticed that she was keeping her head down, definitely due to reluctance. He also liked the dress, but not that much. The shoes were an awful choice though.

When she was about halfway to her destination, Dorephan realized that he didn't have the Bible (or whatever religious text they use) open. He didn't know why he needed it, but knowing how fussy Vaati gets, he decided to just flip it open to a random spot. Being as large and clumsy as he was, he accidentally knocked one of the candles over onto Vaati.

"... *sniff* *sniff* does anyone smell **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**!"

Vaati darted back and forth at an inhuman speed with his hat on fire, his running only _helping_ the flames spread around him. A Miniblin with a bucket of water was desperately trying to catch up to his master, but to no avail.

"HEY STOP! HE'S GOT WATER!" Link called.

"STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL!" Zelda kept shouting.

"HEY! LISTEN!"

Annoyed by all the shouting, one Moblin finally had enough and tripped Vaati. When the mage hit the ground, he proceeded to beat hell out of his master with the side of his axe until the flames were put out.

***WHACK***

**"DEURGH!"**

***WHACK***

**"ARGH!"**

***WHACK***

**"OOF!"**

After that unpleasantness was out of the way, the Miniblin finally caught up, not yet noticing that there was no further need for water.

"Owwwww..."

***SPLASH***

Pausing briefly, the little devil dumped the bucket's ice cold contents onto Vaati. It was quickly evaporated the mage's sheer anger.

Without saying a word, Vaati stood up and walked back to the altar, now ready to personally gut the next person that so much as _breathes_ on him. The look on his face was all Dorephan needed to clear his throat and begin.

"Uhh... dearly beloved, we are gathered here-"

"Skip. To. The vows." Vaati said through his teeth.

"S-sir Vaati, do you take *ahem* _Princess Zelda_ as your lawfully wedded bride?"

"Yeah."

"And Princess Zelda, do you take Vaati as your husband?"

"*sniff* y... y... ...yes."

"Then I now pronounce you..."

"Man and wife." Vaati interrupted as he grabbed Zelda by the blouse and pulled her in for rough kiss, an awkward one at that since it was probably his first.

*Clap*

*Clap*

"Clap*

Everyone looked at Link as he was engaging in cliched slow applause.

"Congratulations, Vaati, _(you stupid asshole_ ) you were quite the man to pull this off. The evil scheme of the century, if I were to say." Link said in a very strange tone "Hate to interrupt your moment, but how's about we do our trade while we're all still here?"

Vaati paused. "Oh yeeeeees... our little deal, riiiight. Well sorry Link, but you are the world's biggest sucker."

"...what?"

"Oh come on Link, it's the _oldest trope in the book!_ Why the hell would I give you an infinitely powerful wish granter when my whole plan is to _absorb_ it and take it's power for my own! I mean, you seriously never thought about that?"

"I... no. Huh, I guess I didn't." Link said confounded.

"Yeah of course you didn't." Said Vaati "All that drinking must have rotted what little of a brain you even _had_."

"Well, looks I'll have to kill you for it-"

"Don't even try." Vaati said "Even if you _could_ , you'll never find it! It's hidden, because unlike you, I know how to come with a backup plan. You. Lose!"

"All right then Vaati, I didn't want you to know this, but..." Said Link, maintaining his unnerving tone "I had a little ace in the hole myself. It's _nothing_ compared to yours, but... ehh. **SIDON!** Show our contestant what he's won today!"

With a smile, Prince Sidon pulled open a curtain to reveal a stunning and beautiful blonde with much better taste in footwear.

"I give you... **PRINCESS ZELDA!** "

"W-what!?" Vaati screamed as he looked back and forth between the two Zelda's. As he slowed down, however, he finally noticed the pants-shittingly psychotic smile on the Zelda in white.

"Who _are_ you!" He demanded his bride.

"I'm your wife." She said playfully.

"But you... you..."

"Hey, did you hear her, Vaati?" Said Link" She's your new better half: **Eggie Crystal!** Your number one fan!"

" **WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!** "

"That's right, my love! It was all _my_ master plan to have you all for myself! And now you're mine... FOREVER! EYEAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"

" **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!** " Vaati screeched as he was dragged out through the front door.

"Go easy on 'im, lassie!" Motti called "We'll need 'im around fer a while if I'm gonna be a gandpa!"

Link then made a "cut it" gesture to the cameramen.

* * *

Some time passed before things settled down. Vaati's minions, not really knowing what to do, just left in peace. It was only Link, Zelda, Sidon, and Dorephan left.

"So now what?" Sidon asked.

"Well, as soon as we're sure that our Vaati problem is over, we're going to have to figure out where he _hid_ the damn thing." Said Link.

"Which reminds me." Said Zelda "Link, I want you to meet us in Kakariko tomorrow; we're having snap counsel meeting about this... Triforce business, it would be best if you join us."

"Alright Zelda," Link replied "But I'll tell you all what I told Sidon: _I'm_ getting it, and that's not up for debate."

"Just... be there." Zelda sighed and walked off.

Link turned to Sidon and Dorephan.

"Look, I-I know this is hard for you guys too, but... Hey, hey wait a minute!"

The two Zora did the same and followed Zelda out, except Link could have sworn he saw Sidon shake his head. He was now alone in the hall to wonder what's going on. Surely they weren't going behind his back or anything, so what could be their problem?

" **RRRRGH!** "

* **CRASH!** *

He didn't feel like thinking about it, flipping the altar over and storming off felt so much better.


	13. 13

The Eastern sky shone a bright orange as the sun crept over the horizon; just a day ago, it was a sight many in Hyrule feared that they would never see again. It was now back to the usual business for everyone, for all that was left was for Zelda to set things straight with Link and normalcy would finally be achieved; a massive relief for many, a huge disappointment to others.

In Kakariko Village, Hyrule's new capitol, Zelda called an emergency closed door meeting in which the Triforce, among other related issues, was to be discussed. Representatives from every major tribe across Hyrule were called, but due to various complications, the Gorons and Rito sent no delegation. In the boardroom waited Zelda, Impa, Sidon, Dorephan, and Sidon. Link, as expected, was late.

"Okay everybody!" Zelda called "Before Link gets here, let's make sure we all remember to be patient with him."

"Why?" Impa asked "Wouldn't it be easier to just get to the point and tell him like it is?"

Zelda leaned forward.

"Actually... After giving it some more thought, I realized that we _do_ need his help. Until we can build a respectable military force, Hyrule is still wide open to disasters of any kind. Which is why we can't have him walking out on us."

"And Vaati." Sidon added "I mean, is there really anything stopping him from coming back and totally killing us?"

"That too." Said Zelda "In any case, the last thing we need is Link running off again. He's no use to us when he's hiding in his house."

* * *

Meanwhile, after spending some time considering whether he should even show up, Link arrived in Kakariko. He prepared himself as if he was going to one of his old disciplinary hearings; he knew Zelda well, and he knew what he was in for.

"Link, you can't _ehhh_. Link, you shouldn't _bleeeeh_. My father said _blah blah blah..._ " Link muttered, mimicking Zelda's voice. He was getting _very_ tired of all the talking, all the changes in plans; so much that his sword arm had been twitching all morning. He felt as if he was trapped in some stupid story that just would not end already.

When he approached the newly built town hall, Link couldn't help but overhear some kind of conversation going on within. He listened closer, half expecting to hear his "friends" conspiring against him, but it was actually just Riju talking about something funny she saw on the internet. With that, Link made his entrance.

"Morning, Link." Said Zelda "Thanks for joining us."

"Yeah." Link replied as he took a seat.

"Hey before we begin..." Sidon spoke out "Can I just say: That whole wedding thing yesterday? That was _awesome!_ You even had _me_ fooled for a while!"

"Well I won't lie to you, I actually got the idea from a movie." Link chuckled, but then turning to Zelda... "Now what did you want to tell me about the Triforce?"

"Oh, umm... nothing _super important_ , I actually think it's better if we first discuss our our infrastructure plan for this quarter-"

"Oh, urgent enough to call me out here, not enough to talk about? Gotcha, makes sense." Link interrupted.

"Just cool it Link, we'll get to it later." Said Zelda. "Our foremost concern should be ensuring that travelers can use our roads safely, without worrying about monster or bandit attacks..."

Link got comfortable in his chair and prepared to initiate smile and nod mode, also cursing himself for not turning back and going home when he had the chance; the only thing worse than a boring meeting is _being tricked into attending one_ , after all.

Luckily though, it only took about a half hour for Zelda to cover everything that required Link's cooperation. She was hoping Link would be a little more interested, but she also knew that he was never one to care about the details, what with his short attention span and all. Of course, that meant it was time for...

"Alright, unless there are any objections, let us move on." Said Zelda "This is regarding the recent uncovering of the Triforce and Link's... _claim_ on it."

Link perked up.

"Well... the current priority is to get it back in our hands before, as Sidon said earlier, Vaati and his forces have a chance to strike back." Zelda continued "I'm open to suggestions as to how we're going to locate and recover it."

"I could organize search parties easily." Said King Dorephan "But without any leads, I don't think it will much help."

"What we need to find is Vaati's base of operation. If the Triforce isn't _there_ , we'll at least get an idea of where to look." Said Sidon.

"I know!" Riju interjected "First, we capture one of Vaati's minions... then we **torture the shit out of him!** "

Everyone looked awkwardly at Riju.

"Well... you know, until he breaks and tells us where Vaati is." She nervously chuckled.

"Then it's settled." Said Link "Moving on, I'd like make sure we are all in agreement... that once the Triforce is safely in our possession, _I_ will be giving it my wish as payment for my services."

"And here we go..." Sidon muttered.

"Actually Link." Zelda began "We've been thinking about that, and..."

Zelda noticed Link was watching her intently, clearly knowing what she was going to say.

'Well... how should I put it? You see, we'd _love_ to repay you for your efforts, but out current situation requires..."

Impa nudged Zelda on the shoulder and whispered something into her ear. Link couldn't hear it, but it he knew whatever Impa had said made Zelda uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough to slouch over in defeat.

"Alright Link, here's the thing; we can't let you have it." She said "It's far too powerful a relic to be trusted with... *sigh* _the likes of you_."

"Uh huh..." Link nodded with a grin.

Zelda continued. "You have to understand that you and I made no such deal. I know you've grown used to the idea because that's what Eggie told you, but that has nothing to do with me."

"That's nice, now here's what I think-"

"Furthermore..." Zelda interrupted "The Triforce is a long lost treasure with very little surviving information regarding it; even if we were to consider handing it to _anyone_ , we would need, at the very least, a basic understanding of how it even works."

"Interesting. Now listen-"

"One more thing!" Zelda said louder "And most importantly, our priority above all is to ensure the well being of our people, and that must include _you_. If we redirect our attention to playing with an old magic, we are bound to bring about more chaos than we can even-"

"Zelda..."

"Yes?"

" **SHUT UP!** " Link screamed, perhaps for the first time in his life. Everyone was taken aback by Link's sudden change in tone, it was certainly unlike him to act out like that.

"Every day... Every god damn day I was out in the fields, the mountains, busting my ass and risking my life so you people can sit on your assess all day and talk _politics_." He ranted "Now I'm glad life has been so great for you all, but when do I get _my_ dues? When I'm lying dead in some cave while you're safe in your five star palaces counting your money?!"

"Now hold on Link, just listen for a minute..." Zelda weakly argued.

"No, you listen to _me_ for a change!" Link shot back "I am _not_ about to give up everything I've worked for over this last month for you; I have made my decision and I'm not backing down now! Oh and you're not invited to the wedding, by the way."

Zelda took a moment to digest what Link said; she was hardly used to him speaking _at all_. Finally, she decided that there was no easy way out of this and responded.

"Alright Link, if that's how it's going to be... Then we're going to have to find it _without_ you... _before_ you. I'm sorry, but you left me no choice; I'm having you placed on house arrest until then-"

"WHAT!" Link protested "That's not fair! Why are you people so hell bent on ruining my dream anyway?! Is it so wrong that I want to reunited with my love and take a second chance at life? You..."

...

"You're out to get me, aren't you? You're ALL in on it!" Link projected as he backed away from the table.

"You know that's not true, Link." Zelda replied, offended.

"Do I?"

"Yes you _do!_ " Zelda asserted, now getting rather irritated "I couldn't care _less_ who you are in love with, I told you that's none of my business. I'm putting my foot down _here_ because you're trying to bring her back from the dead, and we've told you like fifty times why you simply can't do that!"

"Oh really, you couldn't care less, eh? Now what's that? Your _public_ opinion or your _private_ opinion?" Link asked with a strong vibe of accusation.

"What are you implying?"

"I wanna know what your angle is, Zelly." Link continued "Come on, tell me what you _really_ think; this is a safe place."

Zelda bit her lip in frustration; she didn't like having to confront Link the way she had, but it was clear that he wasn't going to back down until he heard the truth... the ugly truth.

"Alright Link, do you want I really think?" She conceded.

"Yes Zelda, some honesty would be nice."

"Fine, since we're on the topic on letting out bottled thoughts, then here's the truth." Zelda began "...I always thought you two were going through some kind of weird phase."

"Huh?"

"Oh come on Link, how was that even supposed to be possible? She was a Zora! Zoras lay eggs, and then you'd have to... ugh, did you sleep through biology class or something? Were you even aware of how long Zoras live compared to us Hylains? You would have been like a pet gerbil to her, a gerbil that got her pregnant... if that's even possible."

As the princess went on and on the many logical oversights of his childhood romance, Link's bravado descended into thoughtfulness, and then to horror, and then to despair; his mind went blank, ignoring the rest of Zelda's lecture.

"sigh... I'm just going to stop there, you get the picture." Said Zelda, noticing Link's distress. "But don't get me wrong, I respect your... tastes, I just don't quite agree with them, that's all."

Link stared at her for a few seconds with an absent look on his face. After a few seconds, he turned around and calmly left the building, not making a single sound.

The other members of the counsel, who chose to remain silent during the escalation between Link and Zelda, let out a breath of relief and Zelda laid back.

"That could have gone better..." Impa muttered.

"Remind me to never listen to you again." Zelda retorted.


	14. 14

She had mixed feelings.

She couldn't decide; Did she want to be reunited with her friends and family? or did she want to choke the life out of them? She couldn't tell; was she lonely? or were there billions of souls to share her torment with? She couldn't comprehend the blinding flashes mixed with the pitch black darkness. What burned hotter, the emotions inside her or the agonizing flames all about her?

A female Zora stood in the midst of what appeared to be an infinite void filled with fire. She saw the dead, the small and the great, all enjoying their new digs in their own special way; some wept, some screamed into the void, some cursed the gods, some fought with one another. **Princess Mipha** , once known and loved by all for her kindness, was trapped forever with these evil doers.

" **I DON'T BELONG HERE!** " She shrieked in anguish.

Sure, she made some blasphemous remarks in the past, yes she abused her political leverage to deal a few enemies of hers, and of course she a little bit of fun her subjects' taxes, but who _wouldn't?_ One would think that her assistance in the defeat of Ganon would be enough to buy her ticket to paradise like her fellow Champions, but it seemed that it just wasn't good enough for the gods.

Weeks passed, or so she could guess. When her spirit faded away at the death of Ganon, she had entered into Hell very much the same as her inmates, nothing in her mind but a feral rage, an anger at even existing. But then something happened.

She was taken out of her prison, she looked down to see the pit of fire shrinking away beneath her feet. Her spirit was taken to an old gazebo in the plains. Unable to move, she then saw her semi-fiance walking by.

"Link, is that you? HEY!"

Sadly, Link was unable to hear her as she called out to him.

Suddenly, Mipha saw herself and yet another Link only a few steps away. She knew what was going on _this_ time- she was seeing into the past; her date with Link on New Year's Eve. The Link that was walking by also took notice.

As the events played out exactly as she remembered, a voice spoke to her:

" **HE WISHES TO RETURN YOU TO LIFE, BUT HIS SPIRIT IS NOT YET READY TO DO SO. YOU MUST TELL HIM, FOR HE CAN HEAR YOUR VOICE.** "

After taking a moment to register the message, Mipha did as the voice said, but didn't know exactly how to tell him, so she kept it simple:

" **YOU ARE NOT READY!** "

Link definitely heard her _this_ time, as he appeared to snap out of a trance and run away. Mipha hoped that frightening him wasn't part of her task, but as he disappeared from sight, the mysterious voice called her again.

" **YOU WILL SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN SOON. FOR NOW, YOU WILL RETURN.** "

"Oh no... no..." Mipha sobbed as she felt the temperature rise.

* * *

This happened again and again; Mipha would be lifted up into the light to find Link, both past _and_ present, and give him the same message. She wondered what kind of divine plan this was supposed to be, perhaps she was being used to discourage Link from continuing in his mission, or maybe some sadistic deity just wanted to torment him?

As she watched Link progress, she noticed that as he was getting closer and closer in his quest for the Triforce, a malignant greed in his heart was churning. At one point, he was considering trading an innocent girl, whom he had mistaken for Zelda, to Vaati. Mipha was so angry, she scolded him:

" **LINK, STOP THIS NOW!** "

As Link snapped out of his thoughts like usual, Mipha was suddenly struck to the ground by a hand, an actual physical hand. Looking up, she she saw a woman, definitely not human, staring down at her.

"You will not speak out of turn, foolish Zora!" The woman yelled.

"Who... are you?" Mipha asked.

The woman was tall, wore a beautiful white dress accompanied with shining jewelry, finer than Mipha even thought possible. She had straightened, black gothy hair that seemed to clash with the rest of her appearance.

"Who I am does not matter." The woman replied "But you have jeopardized my plan with your insubordination. Fortunately for you, I might be able to fix this, but you will speak _only_ when I instruct you from now on!"

Before Mipha could ask anything, she was right back to Hell, this time with something new to chew on; this woman, this... _thing_. She _clearly_ had dark intentions, as her plan involved sowing treachery into Link's noble heart. Until now, she never thought she would wish to be left alone in her eternal torture.

The next time, she taken to her old home, Zora's Domain. The first thing she was a great statue in her likeness, crafted in her memory. She also noticed that the woman was in plain sight this time.

"Now where is he... oh shit!" The woman gasped "Quick, stop him!"

Mipha turned around and saw Link bolting straight for a waterfall, clearly not looking where he was going. Mipha did not waste any time.

" **LINK, WATCH OUT!** " She yelled. Thankfully, Link responded in time to notice that had nearly plunged to his death.

"Good work. Now call him over, tell him to... follow your voice." Said the woman.

Mipha chose it would best to just do as she was told this time.

" **FOLLOW MY VOICE, LINK.** "

Link heard her again, and he definitely knew where she was. As he turned around and made his way for the statue, Mipha felt herself being pulled back into the scorching abyss.

"Huh? what's going on?!" She cried, but the woman did not answer.

* * *

Months passed, and Mipha was still staring into the fire that burned away not her body, but her sanity. She had not been moved from her place since she left the Domain, nor did she meet the strange woman again. Had she failed? Did that woman simply not need her anymore? These questions, they tore into her, unlocking the same rage that she was surrounded with.

" **GRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!** " Mipha howled as she clawed at her face. This was it, she was here forever. Those glimpses into the world, they didn't happen; only projections from what little remained of her mind.

Now she was _really_ angry, so much that she found a crying fellow Zora and unleashed her fury onto him. When she tackled to poor kid to the ground, vigorously pounded his face with her fists, bit his neck to rip his throat straight out, but taking nothing since bodies in Hell seem to be indestructible to ensure eternal pain... It felt so satisfying; her growls, they reminded her of the wild beasts she always fought when she was alive, the tears she extracted, the only hydration she was going to get. She was princess no longer, she was an animal, and everyone was going to feel her wrath!

One day, as she was walking the smoldering paths, looking for another fight, Mipha saw someone she never could have expected.

It was the woman.

"Hey! You!" Mipha called.

As Mipha approached her, she noticed that the woman did not seem to be in pain.

"Surprised to see me, Mipha?" The woman asked. "I've been a prisoner here much like you, _for thousands of years_."

"What? But how did you..."

"That's not important." Said the woman "I'm glad you finally found me, I've been looking all over for you."

"What do you want _this_ time?!" Mipha demanded.

The woman grinned "It's time, Mipha, _Link has given up hope_. He is finally ready!"

"You mean... he won't bring me back?" Mipha said.

"Oh, he will. But first, you must speak to him again, this time... on your own terms."

The woman then created an image of Link's house, it seemed to be a portal.

"Wait a minute," Said Mipha "Why are you helping me?"

"Because he is _our_ key our of here." The woman replied with a smile "I can _view_ the world of the living, but I can't _interact_ with it. You, however, are capable of speaking to him, so must be freed first

Mipha stepped towards the portal, but something crossed her mind.

"Before I go, lemme ask... _who are you?_ "

" **I AM A GODDESS!** " The woman bellowed "I'VE BEEN IMPRISONED HERE BY MY SISTERS AND SOME BEFFHEAD TWAT, AND I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!"

Before Mipha could even think, she was kicked into the portal. The transition was quick; within seconds, she found herself at Link's door. As the portal closed, she saw the woman watching from the other end. Mipha was free to move this time, and with no one to control her, she took a moment to get bearings.

"He we go..."


	15. 15

" _...citizens of Hyrule are bracing themselves for what may be their coldest winter on record as the snowstorm moves northwest. Meteorologists are projecting two feet of snow and gusts of wind at fifty miles per hour._

 _Princess Zelda has ordered all schools and other public facilities to be closed, and has encouraged citizens to remain indoors, as emergency services may not be available. The Princess has not commented on the rumors that the upcoming Christmas festival may be cancelled..._ "

* * *

Winter; the season of _death_.

Link was in his home, his safe place, watching the weather advisory. The storm was approaching quicker than he thought, meaning it was best he go to the markets soon. He knew he would hate the long lines, but it was better than waiting out the winter with no supplies.

When he turned off the TV, Link saw his pathetic reflection on the black screen. He had gained weight, a lot of weight, probably about fifteen pounds. His hair grew messy and unkempt, complimenting the shaggy beard he had also grown. He didn't care though; he always made sure to keep up appearances because Mipha had a thing for pretty boys, it was so important that he would often throw up after meals. But yeah... Mipha.

Five months had passed since that day when Zelda woke him up. There was a brief interruption in Link's peaceful life when he deluded himself into thinking he was on some award winning quest to conquer reality itself in the name of love. He convinced himself that it would end that dream wedding, with the big kiss and that stupid cliched ride into the sunset.

But no, he just got a little excited, that's all. What a stupid thought; a Hylian and a Zora? a 600 year lifespan and a 80 year expectancy? the living and the dead? Thank gods he came to his senses, right? It was nice having one final adventure, but it was back to normal now: just sitting on his ass and waiting for death; that's what retirement is all about, right?

" _Pffft!_ " Link pft'd to himself. Who was he kidding? He wanted her back, he wished it didn't have to end like this. He went through it every day; all the if-only's, but he knew it only made him feel worse so decided to go the store while the sun was still out.

After putting on his snow boots, feeding his hive of tarantula hawks, and arming the tile that would open their cage, Link opened the door and...

***KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK***

"Oooooowwwwwwww!"

" _Ah shit, sorry._ "

By bizarre coincidence, Mipha was about to knock on the door at that exact same time, resulting her spectral hand somehow making physical contact with Link's face.

"What are you even doing... Oh, w-w-what are you... doing here?" Link timidly asked.

" _Here I am, Link, it's time!_ " Mipha said with a smile.

"Am I dead?... You finally came to take me away?!" Link joyously asked with stars in his crusty, sunken eyes.

" _What? Geez, no! I came to help you bring me back._ " Said Mipha, weirded out by Link's eagerness.

Link's smile faded and he shook his head.

"I... I can't don't that."

Mipha was quickly annoyed at his reluctance and lost her cool instantly.

" _What do you mean you can't?! HERE I AM! A literal fucking ghost, ready to help you in your life mission!_ "

Mipha noticed that Link was startled by her outburst, and even _she_ was surprised by her impatience.

" _Oh Link, I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't mean..._ "

"No Mipha, _I'm_ sorry." Link interrupted "You've been nothing but patient with me until now; All I ever did was ignore you or... toss myself at you."

" _We can talk about that later, Link._ " Said Mipha " _We need to focus on getting me out of here before I... I... (sigh)_ "

"Out of where?" Asked Link.

" _ **HELL!**_ ' Mipha shouted once more " _The torment... it won't leave me. I can't go back... Link, you can't let me go back!_ "

"Okay, okay!" Link said "What are we supposed to do?"

" _You have to get the Triforce back, and quickly. Do you know where it is?_ "

"Nope..." Said Link "Last I heard, Vaati hid it somewhere, but Zelda probably found it by now."

" _Probably?_ " Mipha asked " _Wouldn't you be the first person to know?_ "

"We don't speak anymore!" Link said, crossing his arms "She ruined my life!"

" _Then let's go get it back... together!_ " Mipha said, trying to reach for Link's hand.

"Wait a minute, I know what we can do!" Link said with his eureka pose.

Link then reached for his Sheikah Slate and administered a text message.

* * *

Meanwhile in Kakariko, Zelda was overseeing the final procedures of preparation for the upcoming blizzard, even though she was preoccupied with contemplating the wonderful day off that awaited her.

Suddenly, her slate buzzed.

"That's me everyone, I'll be right back." She called as she left the area.

Upon checking, Zelda skipped a breath when she saw that Link had contacted her. She hadn't heard from him in months, not since their last conversation, which involved Link threatening to shoot her if she ever came near his "safe place" again.

" _I knew it..._ " She thought upon reading the message:

" **Hey zel, jus wonderin if u had any luck with the triforce.**

 **Weerd question lol but I herd rumers bout vaati coming back & i was just worryd :)**"

"Hmm..."

Zelda's first instinct was to think that Link was playing some kind of game, but rumors about Vaati? She hadn't really heard anything on that, but Link had all the time in the world to be on the internet listening to anonymous posts. In fact, it was likely that he wasn't even aware of what was going on outside his house.

Regardless, Zelda and her team had made no progress whatsoever in finding the Triforce and she was not about to let Link know that. She responded with:

" **It's all good, Link. We have locked away nice and safe, can't tell you where though.**

 **Enjoy your retirement, buddy! xoxoxo** "

Zelda didn't realize how awkward the x's and o's were until she had already sent the reply, but she shrugged it off and decided it was best to give Riju an important call.

* * *

Back at Link's house, while our two heroes were awaiting Zelda's response, Link was drinking and constantly talking about their past together, most topics accompanied by a tearful, self deprecating apology. Meanwhile, Mipha was trying to steer the conversation toward the Triforce, but Link was adamant about discussing their relationship. She had to get Link motivated to get moving, but how? Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted.

" **WE WILL SPEAK WHEN HE GOES TO SLEEP!** "

The call of the goddess made Mipha jump and let out a quick "Uh!"

"What's wrong- Oh?" Said Link as heard his slate go off. Checking Zelda's reply, Link smirked.

"She's got nothing." He said, showing Mipha his slate.

" _I don't know..._ " Mipha replied " _You sure you want to call her bluff that easy?_ "

"Heh, I was her _bodyguard_ , I think I know her well enough by now... ...wasn't expecting the x's and o's though."

For the next few hours Link and Mipha spent the night talking the good old days; As the alcohol kicked in, Link began talking about the happier moments of their time together, which even got Mipha to open up a little. After a while though, Link randomly got angry with her but fell asleep shortly thereafter. Once Mipha was sure he was out cold on the couch, Mipha tried to call the goddess.

" _Okay lady!_ " She said " _He's asleep, where are you?_ "

* * *

Meanwhile in Gerudo Desert, Riju was receiving an important call from Zelda. The Gerudo queen was a little annoyed that this "emergency talk" was just the Hyrulean princess freaking out over a text message.

" _...and then he claims there are rumors of Vaati resurfacing. Any word from your team on that?_ "

"Nope. No one's seen hide or hair of him since the wedding." Said Riju "I wonder where Link would get that?"

" _He probably made it up, then._ " Zelda accused.

"Now hold on," Riju replied "You know he tends to believe what he reads on the internet; remember that time he tried to wash his hair with motor oil?"

" _Yes I know he's gullible, and people say a lot of things online, but why now?_ " Zelda wondered " _Why would Link wait for Vaati to fall of the face of the Earth to suddenly start believing things?_ "

Riju didn't believe for a minute that Link was up to something, it just wasn't like him. She knew he was always a straight forward type; whenever he wanted something, he made it very clear.

"You're overthinking it, Zelda." Riju assured "He just got spooked, that's all."

" _Maybe, but this is what I'm worried about; What if he finds out we **don't** have it?_ " Zelda said " _We'd be screwed if he went out and found the Triforce without us, and I know he will!_ "

"Just calm down." Said Riju "So what did he say when you told him that we have it?"

" _Nothing! And that's the worst part._ " Zelda exasperated.

Now Riju was beginning to feel suspicious; something definitely wasn't adding up.

"Well now that you mention it, that does seem a little weird..."

" _Right?! Look, I know this might seem like a tall order, but our hands are really tied right now and I can't spare the resources. Can your people... you know, look into it?_ "

"Now hold on a minute!" Said Riju "You can't just go around accusing people and then order them to be brought in! I don't know about your justice system, but it's innocent until proven guilty over here."

" _That's not what I'm asking!_ " Zelda said, frustrated " _Just keep an eye on him and let me know if anything comes up, that's all._ "

"Hmm... all right then, I suppose it won't hurt." Riju conceded "We're a lot better quipped for spying anyway; we actually had his bathroom bugged a while back. It used to be a good time, but then he got fatter and... hairier."

" _...I didn't need to know that._ "

* * *

The next morning, back in the old lakeside cabin, Link awoke with his usual throbbing headache. Getting off the couch, he remembered the night before... most of it, at least.

"It's like you were really there..." He said with a tear.

Before Link could get too choked up though, he realized that he had forgotten to go to the store the night before.

"SHIT!"

Link bolted for the window to check the outside weather. The rising sun was obscured by what he could tell was the rapidly approaching winter storm. There was no way he was going out now, all the shops were probably closed anyway.

"Urrgh." Link groaned, realizing that he was now trapped inside for who knows how long. Funny how you never want to go outside until the weather forbids it.

Like before, Link chose not to cry over spilled milk and decided to pass the time by playing his Nimrodo Swap. He didn't have time to get too invested in his game, as he heard Mipha's voice speaking to him at a most unexpected time.

" **YOU ARE NOT READY!** "

Link jumped as he looked behind him. Mipha's ghost was there, just like the previous night.

" _You're going to need more ammo than that before you take on the boss._ " Mipha said.

"What the hell? Mipha?!"

" _Of course it's me, Link. I was here last night._ "

Last night, of course! Link thought it was just some dream, but she was definitely real this time.

"Oh... right, but you... what's going on?"

" _I told you what we're doing._ " Said Mipha " _We're getting that Triforce and bringing me back to Earth!_ "

"Right..."

" _Now,_ " Mipha began " _While you were asleep, I spent the night forming a plan; you see, I have already located the Triforce! It's right where you'd expect it to be... **In Vaati's Lair!** "_

"But where is _that?_ " Link asked.

Not really sure if she had heard Link correctly, Mipha awkwardly looked out the window. Link did the same.

" _It's literally right there..._ "

"Huh?"

Just about a mile away from Link's house stood a black tower that was surrounded by a pool of magma, complete with dark clouds orbiting the top spire.

"No way! How could I possibly miss that?!"

" _Because you're an idiot._ " Mipha said under her breath " _It doesn't matter, we can't go there just yet._ "

"What do you mean?"

" _We're going to have to run a few errands before we can safely go in._ " Said Mipha " _I won't lie, it's gonna be risky, and we're only going to get one shot at it; all of Hyrule is going to be on you if we fuck up one thing._ "

Mipha checked Link's reaction only to noticed that he was now more focused than ever.

" _First off, bundle up, because we're braving the storm together._ " Mipha continued " _It'll give us the cover we need and hopefully slow them down enough. Second, as for these errands I mentioned, you're going to need a few things... do you have any explosives_ "

Link paused to think, then snapped his finger and ran off. Seconds later, he came back with a C4 bomb that he was using to secure the back door.

" _Good._ " Said Mipha " _First, we're going to Vah Ruta with that._ "

"Umm... okay." Link said, trustful of Mipha's judgement.

" _Next,_ " Mipha continued " _You'll need to drop your Sheikah Slate somewhere, we can't have them tracking us down._ "

"A decoy! Clever." Said Link.

" _Finally, there are some deactivated Guardians near the Shrine of Resurection; you'll have to wake them up._ " Mipha said.

"What?!" Link shouted "Are you crazy?"

" _Don't worry, it's just a last resort, just in case kind of thing._ " Mipha reasoned " _If what my friend told- I mean, I if heard correctly, that special shut down technique you used on them? It didn't work as well as you thought; turns out, you roughed them up on the outside, but they are otherwise perfectly operational. I'm not a mechanic, so I don't know the details, but all you have to do is reset their mainframe and they should be up and running again. If all goes well, we go back and turn them right off again."  
_

"Hmm... Okay Mipha, _I trust you._ " Link said with a smile, but then decided to bring up something rather important.

"Hey Mipha, do know... where exactly has Vaati been all this time?"

* * *

Meanwhile, in a dingy old shack in the middle of nowhere, the once great and powerful Vaati lay in a closet, mummified in duct tape.

"Dinner tiiiiiiiiiime!" Sang a psychotic Zelda lookalike as she brought in a bowl of god-knows-what.

" **GRRT RRWRRY FRRRM MRR YRR CRRRZY BRRTCH!** " Vaati screamed through his restraints.

* * *

" _No idea._ " Said Mipha.

Little did our heroes know, a hidden camera in Link's bathroom had turned on; Riju's team of voyeurs/spies tuned in on the conversation. They couldn't see Link, nor did they know who he was speaking to, but they picked up this important piece:

_"...and then we make a break for the Triforce, right?"_

_"Yes."_

_"You're sure you know where it is?"_

_"Yes. I've seen it there myself."_

"Get Riju in here!" The Gerudo at the monitor ordered.


	16. 16

**"ATTENTION ALL UNITS, THIS IS THE PRINCESS OF HYRULE."**

Zelda's voice rang on every communication device across Hyrule.

" _Be on the lookout for retired Champion, Link: Age 19, Blond, Overweight, Likely armed. He seeks to obtain an... item of great power and use it for his own dark purposes, he must be captured or terminated at any cost. All personnel are ordered to report to your immediate supervisor for instructions. I repeat, be on the..._ "

As Zelda's message was being broadcasted, the Gerudo had already kicked down the door at Link's house.

"We have devices, keep your eyes open!" Said the commander as she pointed out seemingly countless tripwires and rigged tiles about the floor.

Being the experts they are, the Gerudo successfully dodged and disarmed the many traps as they searched the house for clues.

"So he's not here?" Said Riju as she walked in with her phone in hand, already connected to Zelda.

"Affirmative." Said the commander "It appears he has already left some time ago."

" _Great_... Yeah, he's already gone." Riju said into the phone.

As Riju joined the search, she began thinking about the situation at hand. She still had trouble believing that Link would be up to something so dangerous, it just wasn't like him, she thought. She never understood how the Triforce worked, and frankly she didn't think Zelda did either.

Riju was so fixated on observing Link's lethal contraptions that she nearly tripped over something on the floor; it was a Zora doll of some sort. She picked it up, not noticing that she pulled a pin loose upon doing do.

"The hell is this... **AH!** "

Riju threw it down in disgust when she realized just what exactly she was holding.

"Heh... wow. Naughty boy..."

"We have a lead!" Someone called from the other side.

The Gerudo were at Link's computer, going though his search history.

"Look at this." said the one in front "He's going to Zora's Domain."

"Why would he need _directions...?_ " another asked.

"You still there Zelda?" Said Riju into the phone "He's headed to Zora's Domain, gods know why..."

***SLAM!***

Just as Riju gave Zelda her update, the entire house shook briefly as every window and door closed themselves...

"What happened?"

Shortly after, the entire structure was engulfed in a blinding, searingly hot light...

"We're locked in!"

...And after a climactic period of rumbling, the Gerudo were thrust to the floor as the house seemed to shoot upward.

* * *

" _So it's begun..._ " Mipha said blankly.

Behind the two lovers, a white light shone through the snow as it rapidly rose higher and higher into the sky.

"Say something?" Link asked.

" _Oh uhh, nothing._ "

Link and Mipha had just left Zora's Domain after completing their task within Vah Ruta; they barely managed to sneak out after Zelda raised the alarm.

"I still don't get it!" Link complained "How did they find out so quickly? You sure nobody saw me?"

" _Never underestimate the all seeing eye, I guess..._ " Said Mipha " _But what's done is done, you need to get those Guardians back up; we're definitely going to need them now._ "

"Don't worry Mipha, I got it covered!" Link said confidently.

" _Don't fuck it up, this is our only shot._ " Mipha ordered as she disappeared.

Now alone, Link was beginning to doubt the logic of Mipha's strategy; blowing up Vah Ruta as a distraction? Unleashing bloodthirsty Guardians on the world? They could have just gone straight to Vaati's lair without any need for confrontation, but of course he just went along with someone elses idea without giving it any thought.

A few hours passed. Link could hear a commotion going on the distance behind him; probably a search party. He was about mile away from his destination.

"Oh that's right!"

Link then remembered that he was supposed to drop his Sheikah slate somewhere before anyone could trace his signal; Mipha didn't give any specific location of course, but with an angry mob not far behind him, holding on to it any longer didn't seem like a good idea.

"That should be fine." Link as he casually chucked the tablet aside and continued along his path.

* * *

"Ma'am!"

A Hyrulean soldier burst into Zelda's office where she was conversing with top general, King Dorephan was also there via video chat.

"We have successfully traced the signal on Link's Sheikah Slate; he is en route to the Shrine of Resurrection." He announced with a salute.

"How close is he?" Asked the general.

"About a mile, sir!" the soldier replied "Intel from the Gerudo also suggests that he plans on visiting Zora's Domain." The soldier continued.

" _Vah Ruta... that's where Mipha's soul was laid to rest..._ " Zelda thought to herself "King Dorephan, have there been any sightings of Link in your area?"

"No." Said the Zora King "My men have been on alert ever since we received your warning."

"So he's probably heading there next..." Zelda mumbled almost inaudibly.

"What do you think, m'lady?" The general asked, snapping Zelda out of her thoughts.

"We go after him." She said, getting up from her seat "Our forces are better equipped for a search in the storm; If we get to him _now_ , we might catch him _before_ he does anything stupid."

Before she left however, Zelda got in a idea and returned to her screen.

"Did you hear that, Dorephan? We're departing now to see if we can stop whatever fucked up ritual he's planning. We think his next stop is going to be Vah Ruta; if he gets past us... be ready for him!"

With that, Zelda closed her laptop and hastily made her way to an old cabinet full of various weapons; most were just for decoration, but in the middle was an old crossbow and a quiver full of bolts. The general realized what the princess was doing and tried to intervene.

"Ma'am! You really shouldn't, this mission is will be too dangerous..."

Zelda shot a look at her general as she equipped her weapon.

"Let me tell you something, _general_..." She said with a change of tone "I swore an oath, to my father _and_ my people, to keep the peace at _any cost!_ And I'll be _damned_ if I just stay here while everyone else goes out and cleans up _my_ mess. Now prepare all units, we leave immediately!"

"Yes ma'am!" Said the general as he left the room.

With her crossbow ready to go, Zelda grabbed her coat and followed him out. The time had come: the time she hoped would _never_ come...

* * *

Meanwhile at the Shrine of Resurrection, Link was busy working with two deactivated Guardians; turns, his special technique of putting them out of commission only managed to overload their CPU and force them into a hard shutdown and getting them back online only required resetting their mainframe. He was quite unsettled by the fact that, over the last year or so, these perfectly operational death machines have been sitting around just waiting to be turned on.

" _When this is over, I am so taking these things apart..._ "

With a very unfriendly buzzing noise, the two Guardians rose to their feet and scanned the area; they seemed to recognize Link as their master, considering they didn't pummel him into powder on first sight. As a precaution, Link had them switched to standby mode so they wouldn't roam about, leaving a trail of blood; unfortunately, they would still eviscerate anything that wandered too close, but hey, who in their right mind would be out going for a walk on a day like this?

" **WHAT. ARE YA DOIN'. IN MAH SWAMP!** "

Link nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard someone screaming from right behind him. He drew his sword and spun around, ready for a fight. What he saw was something unusual, something that definitely didn't belong in his world.

It was on green, obese ogre creature with tattered clothes and horn-like ears protruding from his head.

"Who are you?" Link asked.

"THE NAME'S SHREK, LADDIE. I COME TO HELP YEH IN YER QUEST!"

"Umm, did Mipha send you?"

"AYE!" Said Shrek "YOU PICKED YERSELF A STRANGE LASS, BUT LOVE'S A STRANGE THING, INNIT?"

With that, Link and his new companion went on their way; with all the preliminary actions complete, it was finally time to reach Vaati's Lair, where Link's quest would finally come to end... for real.

* * *

**BEEP...**

**BEEP...**

**BEEP BEEP...**

**BEEPBEEPBEEP...**

**BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**

A Hyrulean soldier dug his hand through the snow, which piled up tremendously, until he found a certain plastic device.

"We found the slate!" He called over to the others.

"No sign of the target?" Asked the general.

"No sir!"

"He can't be far... find him!" Said Zelda.

At her order, the search party split up into teams and began scanning the area. Zelda had warned them to be extra cautious, as Link specialized in ambush strikes. Unfortunately, there was one such cadet who just wasn't the type to practice common sense...

"HUEHUEHUE! I'M GONNA PLAY WITH DEH TOYZ!" He yelled as he darted off in some direction.

"Where's he going? someone stop him!" Ordered the commander.

Three soldiers responded and ran after the simpleton. Just as soon as they disappeared, their silhouettes were replaced by three red lights, which were accompanied by screams of terror and agony.

"The fuck is that?!"

Before Zelda even finished that sentence, it became clear that these lights were none other than the Guardians on a rapid approach to Zelda and her army.

"What are you waiting for? Take 'em down!" She cried out.

***FWIP!***

**"BOOM!***

The archers, remembering their training and their past experience with doombots, assembled on the front line and concentrated their fire on the middle Guardian, successfully taking it down with bomb infused arrows. Unfortunately, it was moving with such momentum that skidded into their direction, flattening them by the time it stopped.

"TO ARMS, MEN!"

With their only method of attack gone, the Hyrulean warriors were forced into direct combat with the robots; it was a losing battle, as they could only dodge the Guardians' lasers. As the situation became more desperate, they began to flee one by one, those who managed to survive long enough, that is.

During all this, Zelda stared blankly at the scene before her. All these brave men, who faithfully followed her into what seemed like an easy mission, being mercilessly trampled and burned. She had heard their whispering and gossip earlier, them saying how she was over reacting and how Hyrule was simply not prepared for such an aggressive operation.

They were right.

With Zelda's entire army either dead or missing, the Guardians finally directed their attention to the princess. She made no attempt to flee, for she was occupied with flashbacks of her father and all his lectures. The one that stuck out most was his lesson on peacekeeping and how it simply cannot be done through force; she dragged her friends and her people into a manhunt based on nothing but superstition, or... was it really just superstition?

Was she really just looking for an excuse to get rid of an annoying loose end from the past? Did she actually want the Triforce for herself? Well it sure didn't matter at _that_ point; she couldn't come to a rational conclusion anyway, not after wandering so far off the path of wisdom.

Zelda blinked and looked up. The two Guardians were at an arm's length in front of her, staring her down as if waiting for their enemy to make a move.

Knowing that her time was up, Zelda decided it was better late than never and used last moments wisely.

"COME IN, ALL STATIONED UNITS!" She screamed into her radio "COME IN, ALL STATIONED UNITS! THIS IS PRINCESS ZELDA! CODE RED: ESCORT ALL CIVILIANS TO THE DESIGNATED SAFETY BUNKER, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT, ESCORT ALL- **UGH!** "

A Guardian snatched up Zelda, one tentacle firmly gripping her left leg and arm and the other holding her right limbs, and began to pull...

"Father..." Zelda said in tears "I'm so sorry... I failed you..."

As the pressure intensified, Zelda could hear, and feel, her bones and muscles being ripped from their places.

"HONOR... COURAGE... VICT... VI... ... **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**!"

With one final tug, the machine ripped Zelda in half and tossed her bisected remains aside.

* * *

Elsewhere in the winter wonderland, Link, with his new friend, trekked along his way, unable to hear the chaos behind him due to his new friend.

"I WAS JUST LIKE YOU LAD." Said Shrek "ALWAYS HIDIN' IN ME HOUSE, ALL ALONE, NO ONE TO CALL A FRIEND."

"Oh yeah?" Link mumbled, only half listening.

"AYE, BUT THEN I FOUND A BONNIE LASS O' ME OWN... FIONA. WHEN I FIRST SAW HER FACE, I WAS A BELIEVER!" The ogre continued,

"In what?"

"LOVE, LADDIE!" Shrek shouted, sounding a little annoyed that Link wasn't getting the message "I THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY A FAIRY TALE, JUST NOT MEANT FER ME, BUT ME AND DONKEH CONQUERED THE ODDS AND SAVED 'ER FROM FARQUAAD!"

"Donkey? Fuckwad? wha... _who?_ "

"NEVERMIND LAD, WE'RE HERE!"

Link couldn't tell at first, but when he strained his eyes, he could barely make out a large black shape not far ahead. When got closer, he could tell that he had finally made it to his destination, thanks to the large circular pit of lava surrounding the tower; lava that had to be far into the process of cooling, otherwise he would have been cooked alive at such a close distance.

"Vaati's Lair... at last..."

Link circled the perimeter looking for possible entry points, only to find that the castle was completely surrounded by a long drop into the fiery pits, no bridge to be seen. In fact, the chuck of ground on which the tower sat seemed to be _levitating_.

"Hmm... looks like we're going to have get creative..."

Link then studied the structure the best he could, no windows, nothing that he could grapple onto, but there _was_ a welcome mat placed somewhere on the outer ground, no doubt placed there by Vaati in order to taunt him.

"This is no good..."

Despite efforts, there simply seemed to be no way for Link to cross that hot lava and...

_Hot lava..._

Link extended his hand over the pit, feeling for any heat. While it had definitely cooled down below him, he could still feel rising heat waves. In fact, now that he was thinking about it, the entire area was considerably warmer than the frozen wasteland he had just fought through.

"Bingo."

Link pulled out his trusty paraglider, a gift he received from the king himself. He always kept it on his person, partly for the sentimental value, but also because he just _knew_ he was going to need it at some point.

"Thanks for the help Shrek." He said with a smile "But I gotta go it alone from here."

"YOU GO GET HER, BOY! YOU'RE AN ALLSTAR NOW!"

"Uhh... yeah."

And with that, Link lept over the edge with his nifty device in hand. When the paraglider caught the upward draft, Link felt a sudden jerk as his body ascended to the top of the spire with ease.

And there it was.

With deliciously cliched majesty, the Triforce was on the top, out in the open, waiting for our hero's command. Link steered himself forward and landed safely with precision timing. He was then a few short steps away from the treasure he sought after for so long. Link prepared himself and spoke out, this time with his eyes open.

"Triforce of the Gods, hear what I desire!" Link said with both authority and nostalgia "Open the gates of Hell, that it may give up the one I seek. Return that which was stolen long ago and make right what once went wrong. GIVE PRINCESS MIPHA TO ME!"

With haste, Link placed his hand on the Triforce...

...only for his arm to pass through and feel a weird sensation: heat.

Not the warm breeze that came from the lava pit below, this was different, this was true, excruciating heat that nothing in the mortal would could produce but the Sun itself.

"AH!"

As he pulled his hand back, the Triforce flickered for a moment and before Link knew it, a portal had appeared in front of it, sending out a hot wave that caused Link to stumble back and nearly fall off the edge.

" _Wait... don't tell me..._ "

As if _granted_ the knowledge, Link knew that his journey was not yet over, for his final test was within that entryway. For some reason, the gods decided that Link must prove his worth by retrieving Mipha himself.

"Oh no... OH HELL NO!"

Link frantically paced the floor, contemplating his situation. Why, _oh why_ , did there have to be that one final complication? Why couldn't the Triforce just do it's job and be done with it? Link, in a good mind to just leave and not play the gods' stupid game any longer,turned around.

**VWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!**

"AYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"

"ARRRRRRRRGH!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

As if responding to Link's defiant gesture, the portal before the Triforce began emanating sounds; a melody of fire and cries of agony.

"Oh..."

Biting his nails for the first time since he was five, Link actually felt _less_ inclined to leave. For the longest time, Link didn't even believe Hell was real, and now to hear it, and _feel_ it, for himself... Mipha was in there.

Mipha. What would she think if he just gave up after he promised her he would free her from her torment? She clearly had high hopes, seeing as she went through all the trouble to set this up. She was always the one that bailed _him_ out of trouble, she healed his painful wounds, she put her own job at risk to save him from Zelda's wrath; after all she had done for him, a quick visit to Hell would seem like a small favor in comparison.

All the things he told Mipha the night before... how sorry he was for neglecting her, how he wished he could fix things, it was time to prove it.

"I'm ready."

Link ran for the portal and jumped inside, not noticing that the Triforce had briefly disappeared for a moment.

* * *

Once the last tissue of Link's body crossed to the other side, he began to fall into abyss before him. His destination was a distant orange glow, which must have been quite large as he was falling at near terminal velocity, yet didn't seem to be getting any closer.

Link also found that the sound and heat from before was a mere _sample_ of the real thing. The booming howls grew deafening enough to muffle his _own_ screams. By this point, he began to pass through clouds of ever thickening smoke that carried up an otherworldy aroma of burning flesh. This didn't deter our hero one bit, however; there was no going back, thus there was no point in getting cold feet, not that his feet could possibly _get_ cold under such extreme conditions...

After what seemed like ten minutes, Link was engulfed in the raging fire; a hundred feet later...

***THUD***

...he finally landed on what felt like an invisible dirt floor. Resisting the urge to let loose and joining the party of feral sinners, Link rose to his feet, having already nearly bitten through his tongue. Once he was sure that his skin was _not_ being burned from the bone, he took off in the first direction that came to mind.

Link never believed in Hell until only a few moments ago, but whenever it came to mind, he pictured a dungeon-like cavern in which souls would be escorted to their designated torture rooms where they would be given ironic punishments related to their past crimes, all carried out by horned demons. What he found though, was complete chaos; weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth, prayers to the gods that were obviously going unheard.

Link felt sad; sad for these poor fools and those who would soon join them. He felt angry; angry that a place like this could even exist, angry at himself for just waltzing in without a moment's thought. He knew he would soon lose his mind like all of his temporary neighbors if he bottled these emotions inside him, but what if he were to let them out? would he ever reach a calm state of mind again?

Link remembered his ordeals from before; though it was nothing like this, he had been in pain before, so much that he though he would collapse. Luckily, he knew one thing that many didn't, and that was how to channel his negative energy and direct it into completing his task. He was descended from a long line of warriors who were all known for their unbreakable spirits; he even shared his name with the more famous ones.

It was sink or swim now, and Link was going to give it his all, much like he should have done long ago. With one warrior's cry, Link cried out.

**"MIPHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"**

The walls of fire were briefly parted by the sheer force of Link's mighty roar as he sprinted forth into the unknown.

"MIPHA! WHERE ARE YOU!"

After some time, it could have been _years_ for all he knew, Link was still desperately searching for his lover with no apparent success. There were no landmarks, nothing that could possibly give him a sense of direction, making his journey completely aimless. During all this, he was locked in three different battles; resisting the urge to give in, fending off the many enemies he had slain during his time on Earth, and most prominently, the actual physical torture of being in Hell.

That little urge to give in though, it was completely constant. He could avoid getting into a scrap, he could distract himself from the pain by redirecting his focus, but the complete hopelessness of his situation was proving to be too much to bear. Link had even considered the possibility that he was actually dead and that he was just running in circles like a madman in utter denial.

On top of all that, he was getting tired.

"Mipha..." Link wheezed, his proud booming voice now reduced to a hoarse whisper.

No, this couldn't be it. Link had conquered everything fate had thrown at him, his love for Mipha was true, love conquers all! He will get through this! He will find Mipha! They will be married and have 50 beautiful Zorleans together. He made up the name for a Zora/Hylian hybrid himself! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yes, this was it. After years of being kicked around, Link was finally broken.

"I... I'm sorry..."

With that, Link fell face first to the floor in defeat.

Only...

He never hit the ground.

Link continued falling and falling. When he opened his eyes, which were closed in preparation for impact, he saw the inferno he had just called home rapidly shrinking below him. Yes, he was indeed falling, yet he appeared to be somehow going up at the same time.

" **THERE IS NO PLACE FOR YOU HERE. NOT YET, O MORTAL!** " Said a voice that came from all directions.

Of course. Someone or some _thing_ finally took notice of Link's intrusion and was pulling him out. Oh well, it didn't really matter; he was just going to end up coming right back anyway...

* * *

With his ascent complete, Link was forced through the portal from which he came and was once again on top of Vaati's castle, overlooking the endless void of white. Only something was... _off_ about the place this time. The environment around him seemed to shine a purple hue as if reflecting something really shiny... and purple. Like usual, it only took a quick search of the area to discover the cause; a second portal had opened during the time he was gone. Looking through it, Link saw that it led to Vaati's tower, the very place he was already occupying.

"You have served me well, young hero. Though I will say that you should have completed your task much quicker." Called someone from behind.

Link spun around to find Mipha and someone else standing near the first portal.

"Mipha?!" Link gasped as he slowly crept toward the Zora.

"Hello Link." Said Mipha with a hint of sadness.

"Wait a minute... who are _you?_ " Link asked as he finally noticed the other soul present.

"I am the **Goddess Hylia!** " She said with a tone of disappointment "Though I guess I wouldn't expect someone of _your_ time to remember me."

Instantly figuring that this goddess had to be on his side, Link made the most polite bow he could.

"It's an honor, your grace!" He said, making Hylia smirk with amusement "I hope I have completed my final test to your satisfaction."

"Indeed you have." Replied Hylia "Unfortunately, there's one last... _formality_ we must finish."

"And what is that, my lady?"

***WHACK***

Suddenly, Link was sent flying to the other end of the the platform with a stinging pain burning across his chess. After barely stopping himself from falling off the edge, Link briefly looked down and saw no ground; only a white emptyness expanding into infinity.

" _Limbo..._ "

"What?! That should have _killed_ you!" Said Hylia "Hmph! maybe all that blubber gave you an extra layer of protection."

Realizing that he was under attack by the goddess, Link got up and got his sword out.

"What the hell! Are you crazy?"

Hylia didn't respond, she only raised her previously hidden sword for another strike.

***CLINK***

This time however, Link was prepared and managed to block her blow.

"Hylia, what are you doing!" Link pleaded "Stop!"

"Pfft, you _still_ don't get it, do you?" Said Hylia "Use your head, how does resurrection work?"

Link didn't know very much about the black arts; only what he could gather from the aftermath of a dark ritual he would stumble upon. Though they all seemed to be unique in their setup; candles, markings, sacrilegious symbols and all. However, they all had at least one thing in common; that they all involved some poor creature being horrifically slaughtered.

"Sacrifice, Link." Said Mipha, as if she had read his thoughts "To give and to take, to buy and sell, that is the way of our cruel world. Hell is no different, not even the Triforce is above this law.

"I... I don't understand." Said Link, even though he actually did know where this was going.

"The powers that be _always_ demand a trade, Link." Mipha continued "Though the power of the Triforce is unlimited, it's really more of a _bargaining chip_ than a wish granter; you ask the gods for whatever you desire and they give it to you, for a price of their choosing."

"But Mipha, you wouldn't... sacrifice _me?_ "

Mipha turned away.

"You get it _now_ , Link?" Asked Hylia rhetorically "Good!"

Hylia swung her blade again, this time towards Link's neck. He suffered a small cut thanks to barely moving in time, but this woke him out of his trance and sent him into battle mode.

The sparks and sounds of colliding steel filled the air as the two combatants fought to the death, each for their freedom. Mipha watched from the sidelines, occasionally having to move, lest she get caught in the crossfire.

"You're only making this harder on yourself!" Hylia taunted.

Mipha tried her best to look away as Hylia gained the upper hand; she hoped Link would win, but it was impossible, Hylia was a Goddess. She checked her right hand, which she had been concealing this entire time, and wondered if there was some other way.

" _What am I going to do..._ "

She shook those thoughts from her head when she remembered her situation; she had to get out of her prison and Link and Hylia were the way, they had to fight. A crying shame, but that's the way it was.

Unless...

Mipha approached Hylia who was mercilessly hacking away at the unresponsive Link.

"Hylia! Come on, that's enough... _he's dead._ "

After one last good swing, Hylia finally ceased her brutalities and chuckled.

"Yeah I know, I just find this scene kinda... nostalgic."

"Now then..." Said Mipha with rising caution "What next?"

"I'm getting out of here, that's what." Hylia replied as she casually made her way for the portal to Earth.

"And what about me?" Asked Mipha.

"Hmm? Oh right. Well, you can stay her with... _him_ , or you can go back to Hell, your choi- **AGH!** "

A glowing spear attached to a long golden chain pierced Hylia's hand. As she tried to dislodge it, she noticed that it lead all the way back to Mipha's palm.

"What?!"

"Wrong answer." Said Mipha as she fired another one into Hylia's free hand.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" The goddess screamed as she felt herself being pulled towards the Zora.

One by one, more chains shot out into Hylia's body until she was strung up in the air like a pig, covered in in blood.

"Did you think I wouldn't anticipate your betrayal?" Said Mipha with a strange echo to her voice "Were you so arrogant to think that I would just let you walk away, even after you killed my fiance?"

"YOU. CAN'T. DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Hylia cried out.

"I don't know why you're in Hell, Hylia." Mipha continued "But if gods sent you straight here without even _killing_ you, I'm sure it was for a damn good reason."

"I AM YOUR GODDESS!" Hylia continued raving "I KILLED MILLIONS OF YOU FUCKING MORTALS EVERY DAY AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN! I WILL SEE YOU BUUUURN! I WILL SEE YOU BLEEEEEEED!"

"Then it looks like a walk in each others shoes is in order" Said Mipha "I bet those mortals can't wait to see you."

With that, one final spear shot from Mipha's mouth and into Hylia's face. With ornaments of death now in place, the chains pulled tighter and tighter until the goddess exploded into rainstorm of blood and fleshy chunks.

***SPLAT!***

With her business complete, Mipha looked sadly at Link's mutilated body.

* * *

Link was dead, that he knew for sure. He didn't know when exactly he crossed over to the other side, the transition was shockingly smooth. He figured that he was in some unique, personal Hell, given the absence of the never ending warzone he had just escaped from.

His senses did not work, none of them whatsoever, he couldn't even tell if he had a body at all. This new plane of his was completely mental, only his thoughts and emotions remained. It made sense as to why he was given such special treatment in the afterlife; if he was to be forever confined to his own thoughts, it wouldn't be long before the isolation this Hell brought left him begging for the real thing.

There was a silver lining though; if he was dead, then that would mean that Mipha was free. The whole point of his quest was to give _her_ a second chance at life, although he would not be there to live it with her. In fact, it was more of a _gold_ lining; he was a bad person, he belonged in Hell, it was his beloved that deserved to live and be happy.

" **LINK...** "

All he hoped now was that she lived it to the fullest.

" **WAKE UP, LINK.** "

* * *

Link felt something, not pain or pleasure, but more like the feeling of having working nerves and... something else that was very familiar. It dawned on him quickly when when he was overrun with the stimuli of his bones, muscles and skin snapping back into place; at long last, the sensation of Mipha's magic tough.

"M-mmmmmipha...?"

Link opened his eyes to a grey blur with a fuzzy black shape above him.

"Hello, Link."

Link's vision cleared until he could see the clouds in the sky; the storm had passed, leaving behind only a gentle flurry of soft snowflakes. He was once again on top of Vaati's tower where he began. Mostly importantly, he saw the warm smile he never thought he'd see again. Mipha, in the flesh, was with him.

"It's... it's really you!" He exclaimed.

"Oh Link!" Mipha cried as she tightly hugged the Hylian "I'm sorry... I'm SO SORRY!"

"It's alright, it's alright." Link wheezed as he returned the embrace.

"NO! I TRICKED YOU!" Said Mipha "I don't know what came over me, I just... I just wanted to get out of there so bad, I... I-"

"Well you're out. We _both_ are." Link said with a smile "What's done is done."

"How could you be so forgiving?" Mipha replied "Aren't you mad?"

"It's nothing, Mipha, not after all the hell I put _you_ through." Said Link "Besides, it's all over. It's a new beginning for us!"

"Yeah... it is..."

The two lovers remained in silence for a while as their minds finally started to digest all that had happened in the last few moments. It felt like getting off a roller coaster right after the biggest, fastest ride of your life. When all thse things were being processed, something finally bugged Link.

"Wait a minute... _where's Hylia?_ "

"Well... let's that she... went to pieces when I gave her the news." Said Mipha.

"What?"

Mipha showed Link her right hand; it was completely normal, except for one tiny detail. Three golden triangles, arranged to form a larger triangle, were etched onto her skin, shining brilliantly.

"No way!" Link exclaimed "How could you..."

Link looked back at the Triforce behind him, it was still there from when he entered Hell, only it was frantically flickering in and out of existence.

"It's a fake, Link. I snatched the real one while you were running the errands." Mipha explained.

"How could you have-"

"I had help."

"AYE, LADDY!" Said Shrek as he climbed up to the top level "I WAS IN ON IT TOO!"

"So you're telling me..." Said Link "That I got suckered out of the Triforce, again, _by you of all people?_ "

"Yep, just about."

...

"Oh well, if you're back then I don't need it anyway." Link shrugged "But what are _you_ going to do with it? You know better than I how dangerous that thing is..."

"I haven't decided yet." Said Mipha "All I know is, I got infinite power at my disposal, which makes _me_ your master!"

"...Seriously?"

"And as my first decree... You, my servant, are to fuck me like a beast!" Mipha declared.

"Wha... you mean, right now- **OOF!** "

Mipha tackled Link to the floor and the two began making out. It was sooooo hot.

"YOU GO AND ROCK HER WORLD LADDIE! YER A ROCKSTAR!" Said Shrek as he lept headfirst off the platform.

"Mmmm... mmph! Wait a minute..." Link said as he pushed Mipha lips from his. "What about Zelda? What is she going to think-"

"She's dead Link, they're all dead."

"Oh."

And with that, our two "heroes" finally did it for the first time. Outside, in the freezing cold, with no clue as to how they're even going to get back down on the ground. Through a long and hard battle, they had faced every odd imaginable; the combined might a lunatic impostor, an iron fisted princess, an ancient sorcerer, eternal damnation, and an angry goddess. All stood in the way of this forbidden union, only to blown aside by the raw power of love.

I would say that this was the end of their story, but it was not, for when the deal is sealed, a new beginning is revealed. Link and Mipha, their two lives now become one, embarked on many misadventures together, each one more bizarre than the last. Whenever it seemed that they would fail, they always founds a way... though each other. Never again were they alone, and that's how it would be... forever.

**THE FUCKING END**


End file.
